First & Ten Teaser

We made our way into the stadium and Alice grabbed my hand and squealed when she saw the team store right in front of us.  “Come on!  We have to get you something better to wear!”

“Alice, I look fine.”  She ran her eyes down my plain shirt and just raised an eyebrow at me.  “What?”

“You look like you’re going to wash your car, not see your boyfriend play.”

“Shhh!”  I glanced around but nobody was paying us any attention.  Alice pulled me into the store and made a beeline toward the jerseys hanging on the wall.  “He’s not even going to see me.”

“Maybe not but don’t you want a little piece of him on you?”  She gestured down to her jersey and smiled brilliantly.  “I love it, it’s like I’m marked or something.”  A big, balding guy with a beer gut reached around her and plucked an 81 jersey off the rack and walked away with it.

“Looks like he’s marked by your man too.”

Alice giggled and elbowed me.  “You know what I mean.”

“Your man has all different types, it seems.”  An older woman wearing a Whitlock jersey was pawing through the hats.  “Cougar,” I whispered and Alice chortled.

“My Jazzy really gets around, it seems.  Then again, I see way more number tens.”  That was an understatement.  Every other person was wearing something with Edward’s name or number on it.  It made me feel warm and a little dizzy.  “Edward’s a total manwhore,” Alice declared with a giggle.  I shot her my own elbow and she flew into a rack of t-shirts.

“Okay!  I was just kidding, jeez.  Still, I think you’d look adorable in a jersey.  Everybody else is wearing his number, so should you.”

I didn’t own anything with Edward’s number on it.  I let Alice take me over to some t-shirts and she thrust one at me.  “Edward Cullen is a perfect ten?  Really, Alice?”

She giggled and nodded.  “From everything you’ve told me, you can’t tell me you don’t agree with it.”

“It’s pink.”  I loathed those stupid girlie outfits that they made for NFL teams now.  If you love your team, you wear their colors and no NFL team would ever have pink as one of their colors.  Thanks, Alyssa Milano, for even managing to ruin pro sports.  Go back to your insipid TV shows, please.

Alice eyeballed me as she put the shirt back.  “You’re silently cursing Alyssa Milano again, aren’t you?”  Okay, I knew I had an irrational hatred for her but I couldn’t help myself.  And pink?

“Maybe.”  Alice laughed and held up a red t-shirt with Arizona Cardinals on the front and Cullen 10 on the back.  It was simple and fitting so I took that and smiled at her.

“Much better.”

“Is that all you’re going to get?  What about a jersey?”

I wanted his jersey but they were ridiculously overpriced and…”I’d rather steal one of his like you did Jasper’s.”

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First & Ten Teaser Per INGENUEFIC’S demand

He chortled and jumped out of my way when I attempted to tackle his ass.  “Get in the damn car, Jasper.”  The sooner we got the day started, the sooner it would be over and I could see Bella again.  Eight o’clock seemed a long time off.

“I’ll drive,” he suggested, giving me a smirk when I groaned.  I followed him over to his beat up black Ford truck that he’d had since he was sixteen.  He could afford to buy a damn truck dealership but he continued to drive this old beater for reasons that escaped me.

I opened the door and rolled my eyes at the metallic grinding noise that accompanied the movement.  “Damn it, Jasper, why do you insist on driving this piece of shit?”

“It’s not a piece of shit.”  He shot me an injured look as he climbed in his truck and patted the dashboard.  “It’s a classic.  It’s my first car.”

“It’s your only car, jackass.  I’ll buy you a damn car if you’ll retire this stupid thing.”

“Shhh, you’ll hurt her feelings.”  He continued to lovingly stroke the dashboard and I glared at him.

“Just drive, freak.”

“Freak?” He chuckled and started the truck, the rattling engine echoing through the parking garage.  “I’m not the one who was just standing there staring at air as if it would bring my girl back.”

“I wasn’t doing that, exactly.”

He smirked and backed out of the parking space.  “Then what were you doing, exactly?”

Aching for her.  Thinking about making love to her again.  Wanting to hear her say something crazy and then make her laugh about it with me.  Just…wishing.  Not that I was about to tell him that.  “Just thinking.”

“Dude, you’re so gone for her.  Why don’t you just admit it?”

Because admitting it to him meant admitting it to her soon.  And I wanted to but it scared the living shit out of me.  “Obviously I care about her, a lot.  And I’d like to explore…”

“Oh my fucking God, you sound like Oprah or something.  Just spit it out man.”  Jasper pounded on his beloved steering wheel to punctuate the irritation I heard in his voice.

“What do you mean?”  I most certainly did not sound like Oprah.

“Okay, maybe not Oprah.  That Dr. Phil dude, that’s who you sound like.  Analyzing your damn feelings instead of just feeling them.  Did you forget who you’re talking to?”

“I think I may have, since you just revealed that you’re spending your time watching Oprah and Dr. Phil.  I thought you were my best friend but you seem to be some woman I’ve never met.”

He snorted and pulled into the parking lot at our training complex.  “I am your best friend, which is why I know when you’re spewing bullshit at me.  And if being secure in my feelings makes me a woman, then I guess you can buy me a damn dress.”  He drawled the last part at me and of course I immediately pictured him in some slinky black dress which made me laugh hard. He parked the car and just sat and stared at me while I howled with laughter.

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NFL Week 5 Picks

Uh yeah, this is late and I have no idea how I did last week other than bad.  This is going to be short and to the point because I am watching my Noles play Miami.  Next week will be better, I promise.

Jacksonville over Buffalo

Cincy over Tampa

Atlanta over Cleveland

Detroit over St. Louis

Indy over KC

Green Bay over Washington

Chicago over Carolina

Baltimore over Denver

Houston over Giants

New Orleans over Arizona

San Diego over Oakland

Dallas over Tennessee

Philly over San Fran

Jets over Minnesota

That’s all I’ve got for ya, more next week, I promise.

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NFL Week 4 Picks

And we are steadily improving!  10-6 last week!  Of course I was an overtime away from being 11-5, but we won’t quibble on crappy kickers for NO.  Who, by the way, is the Tim Tebow Bench Player of the Week!  I don’t even know his name and can’t be bothered to look it up, but I do know that he has indeed been benched in favor of 63 year old John Carney.  Congrats, nameless kicker!

My team is off this week, which means I get to watch 3 games and not have any stress.  I like it!  And Tampa needs the break after their Pitt beatdown.  On to the picks:

Atlanta over San Francisco:  I don’t care how many coaches SF fires, they’re not getting picked by me again.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me three times?  I’m a fucking idiot who will NEVER pick you again.  Enjoy losing.  I no longer like you, Singletary.  Atlanta’s fresh off a big win over NO and I expect them to ride the momentum.

New York Jets over Buffalo:  Um…what can I say about this game?  I still only knew a few Buffalo players, Fitzpatrick at QB and CJ Spiller because he went to Clemson.  Maybe every week I’ll learn a new one?  Anyway, they hung with New England which is a HUGE indictment on NE’s crappy defense.  The Jets do not have a crappy defense.  Blow out city.

Cincy over Cleveland:  Maybe this week the Bengals offense will do something?  Maybe?  Maybe not.  Either way, they’re playing the Browns.  Nuff said.

Green Bay over Detroit:  Man, are there some crappy match ups this weekend or what?  Seriously, I’m not even having to think about these first four.  Now I will probably lose them all, which will be awesome. hehe  Green Bay is going to play well after their flagfest against the Bears.

Tennessee over Denver:  I really have no idea, but I hate Tebow so I decided I will pick against his team whenever I’m unsure.  Maybe Tenn will play consistently two weeks in a row.  We shall see.

Seattle over St. Louis:  Seattle keeps winning, which I find unfathomable but maybe Hasselbeck really isn’t as old as his hairline says he is?  Maybe Carroll is actually a good coach?  No, that is certainly not it.  The Rams are showing signs of life so this is actually a toss up but I’ll go with the vet over the rookie, this time.

New Orleans over Carolina:  Okay, three weeks in a row the champs have not looked like champs.  They move the ball okay but that special something they had last year is gone.  Super Bowl hangover?  Maybe.  Old and injured players?  Probably.  Hungry teams coming after them?  Yeah.  They need to get their stuff together or they’ll be looking up at Atlanta.  Fortunately for them, Carolina truly blows.  Blow out again.

Pittsburgh over Baltimore:  I get this game!  And I could not be more excited about it.  Big time, hard hitting, hate filled game.  LOVE.  Low scoring, defensive battle.  Pitt’s defense has won me over, completely, after just seeing a few minutes of them against Tampa. Flacco’s finding his rhythm with Boldin but I think Pitt will disrupt it.  Gonna ride Pitt to the playoffs so may as well pencil them in as wins even if Joe the janitor is their QB.

Houston over Oakland:  Alright, Houston, you and I need to have a discussion.  EVERY YEAR.  You do the opposite of what I say every single year.  How dare you defy me against Dallas?  Got your asses kicked.  I was not impressed.  However, you have Oakland, so you know, you don’t have to try too hard.  Enjoy and get your crap together.

Indy over Jacksonville:  Manning is having a monster year already and my new boyfriend Austin Collie is making plays all over the field.  I heard he’s injured but likely to play, which pleases me as he is pretty.  Jax is up and down yet again and they’ll probably play Indy tough but you know my motto:  In Manning I Trust (unless it’s Eli, but we’ll get to that).

Philly over Washington:  This pains me because I am 100% Team McNabb over Vick.  Donnie Mack got a hard time in Philly and I’d love for him to light up his former team.  But the Philly receivers are about 3023 times better than the Redskin’s receivers and Wash just looks old and used up, no matter how good Donovan plays.  Vick is looking like the Vick of old, except he can actually throw now.  Philly, but I think it’ll be close.

San Diego over Arizona:  It’s October, so SD can stop losing games they should win now.  Fortunately for them, they’re playing AZ, who would probably be better served having Joe the Janitor that Pittsburgh has as their backup QB  than their actual starter Anderson.  One more week of fail and it’ll be time to let Hall have a chance.  I love hearing from people that they wish QBward was the actual QB of the Cards…as do I, ladies, as do I!  I’d get a sure win most weeks!

Chicago over the NY Giants:  Damn it, I could not hate this game more.  Chicago is overachieving (yes, they are) and the Giants are stinking up the field.  It’s the perfect trap game in which the subpar team rises up.  Yet, I’m going with the undefeated one.  The Bears do have a spark about them that I haven’t seen in a long time.  The Giants will be better, but will they be good enough?  No idea.  They’ll probably make me eat my words.

New England over Miami: Not comfortable with this one either.  Always play each other tough, NE’s defense blows, Miami is coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Jets…I’m banking on NE’s desperation to win this game.  And also hoping some wise NE fan throws Brady to the ground and cuts that hair.  The hair is a problem, people.  Trust.

I tweeted this last week but had much love for it so I’m going to end with this thought on the Pats:  Gisele is to the Patriots what that Black Widow chick was to Robert Redford in The Natural.  BAD.  BAD MOJO. Til next week, friends!

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Week 3 NFL Picks

I’m feeling lazy today so I don’t know how good my picks will be.  And I forgot to see how I did last week.  Let me check.  I think I went 9-7.  So yeah, better than .500 by one whole game.  Bet the farm on me!  Or….don’t.  Really, don’t.  I don’t bet on myself, so neither should you.

I’m renaming the Douchetard award, at the request of my beloved Paxton.  Instead of Douchetard, I think we’ll call it The Should Be Riding The Bench Like Tim Tebow Award.  This for the player that sucks so bad he should be benched.  Who wins this inaugural award?  None other than Brett Favre, who had 4 turnovers, 2 or 3 of which were in the end zone.  Congratulations, Brett, you should be sitting next to Teebs.

Onward ho!

NY Giants over Tennessee:  Will the real Tennessee please stand up?  Are they the team that kicked ass in week one or are they the team that got walloped by the Steelers in week 2?  Is the Steeler D just that good.  Should I be thankful that the game is blacked out in Tampa this week?  I guess we’ll find out.  Still, the Giants got a beat down of their own last week and I expect them to rebound here.

Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay:  Well, I would pick this way whether or not I was going for the voodoo.  Pittsburgh is pulling people out of the stands to play QB at this point but it doesn’t matter because their defense decided to kick the shit out of everybody that steps on their field.  Tomlin returns to the place he should be coach (stupid Glazers) and the immortal Charlie Batch , backed up by Pete the ball boy will likely take it.  Freeman’s looked great two weeks in a row but I don’t think he can against Pitt.  Would love for him to surprise me though.

Cincy over Carolina:  Two weeks in and Matt Moore (who?) has already been benched.  Clausen is going to take the field for Carolina and I must say he did move the ball fairly well when he first got in against Tampa.  He can inject life into the team probably.  Cincy?  Still waiting to see that explosive TOCHO show or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves.  If Tampa can score 20 against Carolina, Cincy should score 30.  We’ll see.  Oh, and I still hate Steve Smith.  Put that fucker in anger management again, please.

Baltimore over Cleveland:  Baltimore got jobbed last week against Cincy, I hear, and you know how surly they get when they feel they’ve been slighted.  Plus, Cleveland.  Sorry Browns…I do feel for you.  I think Delhomme is sidelined but I think their 2nd stringer is taking the field instead of McCoy.  I think it’s time to play for next year like Tampa did.  Let the rookie get kicked around a bit.

Houston over Dallas:  Could Dallas really go 0-3?  Yes, they more than could.  Houston has that look, that lucky team thing going.  Kobiak using the ice the kicker thing that Shanahan invented against him last week made me laugh, even though I felt bad for my fellow Nole Graham Gano who made the kick and then missed the second one.  Dallas, meanwhile, has major issues on O line and I heard there’s already rumblings about coach firings.  Gotta love the drama!

San Francisco over KC:  I think is probably the week when the 2-0 teams start to show what they’re really made of.  San Fran coulda/shoulda/didn’ta win vs. the Saints.  At some point they have to get it together if they’re going to be the cream of the NFC West like we’ve been told ad nauseum all preseason.  KC has looked good, I freely admit it.  We’ll see.  I’d like for them to make me wrong.

Minnesota over Detroit:  Because Detroit is snakebit and Minny has to win at some point.  Don’t they?  I truly don’t care.  Hope I have this wrong.

New England over Buffalo:  Call this my lock of the week.  The Pats looked like crap the second half of last week and they’ll be spitting mad about it this week.  I’ll weigh in on Tom Brady’s hair.  It looks awful and Gisele has ruined both his football ability and now his hotness.  I knew she was trouble.  HATE.  Buffalo blows.  New England by 3 TDs.

New Orleans over Atlanta:  The Saints have not looked like the Saints yet this season.  Post Super Bowl high?  Well they’re getting divisional now and they need to stop dicking around.  The Bush injury hurts but they’re still loaded.  Time to see them play like it.  Atlanta wants to take the division, we’ll see.  I say the champs get it done.

Washington over St. Louis:  McNabb’s playing well to be sure.  The defense, maybe not so much.  But they don’t really have to play against the Rams (sorry St. Louis fans, to be fair, I do think you’re starting to right the ship).  Rams will get a win eventually, but not here.

Philly over Jacksonville:  Well who the hell knew that Andy Reid knew how to compromise?  I fully expected him to bench Vick and let Kolb try to take over his team but even he could see what I said last week.  Vick looks damn good, like the player he was always supposed to be.  I do laugh when I hear that nobody can stop him.  Tampa did, for years, in his prime.  You need a fast linebacker that has a feel for the game the way Derrick did.  Instinct.  Philly’s D is leaving me cold these days though…32 to Detroit?  Really?  Won’t take them that far but for now, Vick’s legs are steady.

Oakland over Arizona:  Because the way I hear Arizona described makes me cringe.  I can see Oakland taking one here. Sorry that Kurt made it to the next round of Dancing, guys.  Start voting for…well, whoever else is on that damn show.

San Diego over Seattle: Ahh that was more like what I expected out of Seattle last week!  I’ll chalk it up to an anomaly.  Diego looks like they’ll be one and done in the playoffs again, but they should be fine in the regular season.

Indy over Denver:  Now that was more like the Indy I know and love!  As I recall, Manning owns Denver.  I see no reason why that should change here.  I am not sure what’s going on in Denver but it isn’t good.

Jets over Miami:  Because the Jets need to win to take control of the division.  I guess they can rise up when they want to.

So that’s my prediction for the week.  Let’s see if I can’t improve on that 9-7 record, why don’t we?

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Week 2 NFL Picks

How about my perfectly subpar week 1 debut?  8-8 baby! Not good, not terrible, just right down the middle.  Glares at the Bears/Detroit game.  I had you won, dammit.  Stupid, ridiculous NFL rules.  That was a touchdown.

And because of said rule, my first Sage Rosenfel’s Memorial Douchetard Award will go to the refs/NFL rulesmakers that made the rule, as well as Calvin Johnson (which pains me) for slamming the ball down and making it possible to overturn what was a touchdown.   Oh, and Brett Favre wins it too for stinking up the field in his much ballyhooed return to the NFL.  HAHHA Suck it.

Question, dear readers.  As you now know, the Douchetard award is named after Sage Rosenfel’s due to his craptastic play the year I debuted the award.  Should we rename it this year or keep it the same?  I need feedback!

My game was a lot of fun even though I was nearly cooked alive at the Bucs stadium.  They managed to win for me, which was a shocker.  This weekend I shall be watching from my air conditioned living room.  This is better.  I’ll post pics when I figure out how to get them off my phone.

I’m not discussing college.  My Noles were embarrassing and I hate them for making me think they could win.  The Gators are the worst 2-0 team I’ve seen play (enjoy the future losses).  Michigan’s QB reminds me of college Michael Vick, get a team around him and maybe he can win the big one.  Notre Dame lost, HA!   That’s all.

On to the NFL picks:

Tennessee over Pittsburgh:  Now granted, Pitt played a decent team while Tenn played Oakland, but Dixon was a rookie as expected and Vince Young seems to have finally found his footing.  No reason to think Pitt wins this one.

Minnesota over Miami:  Miami struggled with Buffalo.  Shiek pick to win the East?  I don’t think so.  Favre should have some of the rest off this weekend.  We’ll see.

Atlanta over Arizona:  How bout them Cardinals?  Barely beat the Rams.  Atlanta went to OT vs. Pitt, which isn’t great, but isn’t that bad either.  I’m going with the Falcons because if they don’t get going now, when will they?

Baltimore over Cincy:  Wow…just wow.  Where was the Chad/TO show?  More importantly, where the hell was Cincy’s defense?  And special teams?  And QB?  Yeah, for a team that was supposed to be good, they got bitchslapped around big time by the Pats, who are great with getting motivated but still.  That was a beatdown, even if the final score didn’t really reflect it.  Baltimore, meanwhile, kept punching the Jets in the mouth.  They weren’t pretty on O but Boldin showed flashes of brilliance.  Going with the Ravens.

KC over Cleveland:  Suddenly Keyshawn’s pick of KC as the winner of the west doesn’t seem so laughable.  They held on to beat the Chargers (who we can again call overrated it seems) and the rest of their division lost…so why not?  Jake Delhomme is injured for the Browns, which may be a good thing actually.  He was alright in the Bucs game but in true fashion began throwing picks and lost the game.  Not impressive.  McCoy needs to get healthy and get in there and have his baptism by fire.

Dallas over Chicago:  Even with their shitty offensive line, and I’m sorry but it is, Dallas should beat the Bears, who got lucky with a crappy rule in week 1.  Still, am I the only one who thinks there’s going to be some sort of major blow up in Dallas this season?  I don’t know if it’ll be Roy Williams or Dez Bryant or Miles Austin or even Romo himself, but I feel like there’s a powder keg there. I don’t know why, just a gut instinct.

Philly over Detroit:  I don’t care what Andy Reid says, there’s a QB controversy in Philly already and he’s lucky that Kolb is injured so he has an out.  If Vick plays like he did Sunday (and I’ll be honest and tell you I hope he chokes like one of the dogs he so viciously killed) then his Eagle fans are going to demand that he stay at QB.  I feel bad for Detroit’s stolen loss but the stats tell me that Stafford played like shit and that doesn’t bode well.

Green Bay over Buffalo:  All I remember about Buff is that they got CJ Spiller in the draft.  That’s it.  Green Bay looked pretty good against Philly, til they couldn’t tackle Vick.  Still, Buffalo has nobody like Vick.  So there you go.

Carolina over Tampa Bay:  I don’t actually believe this pick will go this way but since I picked against Tampa and they won, I’m trying it again.  These teams are fairly evenly matched and the Tampa D actually impressed me several times at the game.  My beloved Geno Hayes (Seminole) was all over the place.  Ronde, however, is old as hell.  A couple years ago he never would have gotten run down on that interception.  Sad.  Matt Moore will still play despite his concussion for Carolina.  This could be good for Tampa too.  Still, I pick Carolina and work my voodoo.

Denver over Seattle:  Both of these teams surprised the shit out of me in week one and here I am, going against what I learned and sticking with my initial thoughts about them.  First, can I say…HAHAHAHAHA to Tebow’s 2 carries for 2 yards.  HA!!!  Talk about the most overhyped fucking rookie in the world.  Hope you enjoyed the bench, Timmy, you should get familiar with it.  Second, what the hell happened in Seattle?  Apparently Mike Williams needed Pete Carroll’s magic touch *giggles at Paxton* to learn how to be a player again.  Hasselbeck looked rejuvenated.  Can they do it two weeks in a row?  I say no.  Prove it.

Oakland over St. Louis:  Honestly, this is a toss up and I don’t give a damn about either team.  They both blow.  Period.

Houston over Washington:  Houston, are we going to do this again?  Are we?  Last year, every single week, you did the opposite of what I said.  So let’s try not to go that route and you just win, eh?  I nearly picked you last week and if I’d gone with my gut I would have stayed with you.  Schaub didn’t even have that great a game.  Well, I expect you to pick it up against the Skins, who were mediocre in their win over Dallas.  McNabb still looks weird in those Skins jerseys.  Oh..and lose the fucking yellow pants, Washington.  Ridiculous.

New England over New York Jets:  You know what I learned last week?  The Pats still have huge chips on their shoulders and that doesn’t bode well for the team that’s badmouthed them the most and is the darling of the pundits.  Revis called out Moss, so you know Brady and Moss will be out to school him.  Welker is amazing, still.  The defense, thought to be the biggest issue, looked pretty good against Cincy, giving up most of the points in garbage time, likely playing prevent.  The Jets?  Sanchez is not ready, sorry.  You can throw millions at the D but your QB has to score now and then.  I think the Pats win this, maybe even by more than 2 TD’s.

San Diego over Jacksonville:  Diego has to win sometime, don’t they?  Gerrard was pretty good against Denver though, so this could be a game.  I heard this was the first blackout they’ll have there in years.  Sad.  Just like in Tampa, but at least we have the excuse of sucking.  Wouldn’t they sell out if people believed in them?  I don’t, but I do think they’ll win this one.

Indy over NY Giants:  THE MANNING BOWL.  OMG WHAT DO I DO?  In Manning I trust doesn’t work when they’re both Mannings!  Eli vs. Peyton.  Little brother vs. big.  Dammit.  Here’s what I think.  Eli has the better team around him.  Peyton’s the better QB.  Eli’s team is younger.  Peyton’s team is more experienced.  GAH.  HARD DAMMIT.  Okay, going with age and experience, this time.  Indy needs this win, can’t start 0-2.  So that’s what I’m going with, but with no confidence.

New Orleans over San Francisco:  Um…yeah, how bout them 9ers?  WTF?  The only bright side to them crashing and burning is that maybe this means pretty David Carr will get promoted to starting QB soon.  NO wasn’t overly impressive vs. Minny, moved the ball well but failed to score as much as expected.  I expect them to rectify this.

There you have it 😉  Here’s hoping I crack .500 this week!  See you next week!

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2010 NFL Week 1 Picks

Hell yes, I’m doing it again.  Back to defend my…um, I have no idea what I did last season, but it was worse than the first season, this I know.  So I’m going to try to go back to the past and repeat it.  I know my history, damn it.

As always, week 1 is fun as hell because really, all we know about teams is how they did in games that didn’t mean a thing that most of the players made cameo appearances in.  Someone that was good always comes down to earth and someone bad rises up and makes me a believer about 6 weeks too late to do any good for my picks.  Such is the way of the prognosticator!

The season kicks off tomorrow so let’s make our guesses, shall we?

New Orleans over Minnesota:  What, like I was going any other way there?  Favre is a 60 year old grandfather that had to be hogtied and dragged to Minnesota to play.  New Orleans has looked like they haven’t missed a step, though I would say their secondary is in for some trouble.  Minny lost Sidney Rice though and I don’t think anybody can step in and take his place.  The real question here isn’t who will win, but how many times Favre is slurped.  I say 53.

Giants over Carolina:  Love that new Giants rookie receiver.  Gonzalez?  Hernandez?  I don’t know, he scored 3 TDs in one game that I was watching.  Methinks he’s a keeper.  Still not sure about their D but I am sure that Carolina has a quarterback named Matt Moore that I’ve only heard of because they play my Bucs twice.  So yeah.  Going with Manning.  That’s my mantra, as you know.

Pittsburgh over Atlanta;  Hell, I don’t really know here.  Dennis Dixon is a total wildcard but he can make things happen with his legs.  Atlanta had a set back least season but Ryan’s a good QB and should be righted this year.  Expect them to be #2 in the south.  Still, I’ll go with Tomlin because he is a badass.

Cleveland over Tampa:  I will be at this game and therefore my Bucs will lose. Well that and they suck.  But so does Cleveland.  So it’s a real tossup of suckitude.  Why am I going to this game again?  Oh yes, my Daddy loved the Browns growing up.  And I can see Derrick Brooks retire.  Wearing my #55 jersey and crying, that will be me.

Denver over Jacksonville:  I guess.  I mean, Denver got decimated, but they’ll be in Jax which is Tebow’s town and they’ll no doubt let him score a couple goal line TD’s to appease the fans that will probably be 67% Bronco fans.  I hate Tebow.  That is all.

Indy over Houston:  Tough one, but you know, in Manning I trust.  Really like what I’ve seen out of the Texans so far though. Schaub needs to stay healthy and Johnson needs to continue to being the badass that he is and they can make some real noise this season though.  Still, gotta beat your division champs and Indy usually manages to squeak by these guys.  No reason to think they won’t again.

Miami over Buffalo:  Miami is some kind of trendy pick to be in the playoffs.  Sorry, I don’t see it.  Not at all.  The wildcat was fun for a year, that’s about it.  Still, Buffalo blows.  I don’t even know who is on that team anymore.  Yeah, not quite relevant boys.  Get to work.

Detroit over Chicago:  Toss up, really.  Both teams kinda suck.  But I like Suh, even though I hate Detroit for stealing him away from me, yet again.  Stop taking my players, assmunches.  So I’ll root for them to win some so the Bucs can pick before them in the next draft.  Yes, I really aspire high for my team don’t I?

Tennessee over Oakland:  Oak managed to win some preseason games and they were able to offload caseloads of cough syrup this summer, so that was double win for them.  I still don’t think they’re a real team and if Al Davis ever pops out of his coffin, he’ll agree with me.

New England over Cincy:  OOOOH fun game!  What do you think?  39-37ish?  Definitely high scoring.  I refuse to believe the Pats will lose their first game.  Do you realize that TO, Ochocinco and Moss are going to be on the same playing field?  Jesus.  It’s a diva WR trifecta!  I LOVE IT!

Arizona over St. Louis:  HAHAH Leinart…that’s just hilarious.  Couldn’t even win the team when Warner retired.  Pathetic.  Couldn’t happen to a more douchestastic guy.  The Rams, of course, are just going to be throwing Bradford to the wolves and letting him get some experience.  Worked with Manning but Bradford, despite the Heisman, was never a Manning.  We’ll see.

San Fran over Seattle:  The 9ers are the trendy pick to take their division, provided Alex Smith doesn’t suck.  I guess we’ll see.  Seattle is old and Carroll has never impressed me as a coach so I doubt he’ll turn it around anytime soon.

Green Bay over Philly:  And the Kevin Kolb era begins!  Are you excited?  What’s that I hear?  crickets?  Yeah, sounds about right.  I hope Philly made the right call, but to me they’re ripe to have Donny Mack kick major ass in Washington.  Karma’s a bitch.  Green Bay looks good, Rodgers has a real team around him now and the Favre motivation continues.

Dallas over Washington:  I’m not high on the Boys at all and I like McNabb quite a bit but I think Washington has a lot of work to do and Shanahan’s ego is getting in the way of what is likely best for the team with Haynesworth.  At least, as always, Washington is interesting.  Romo’s looked less than impressive but it’s the preseason.  We’ll see.

Baltimore over the Jets:  I like this Ravens team.  A lot.  Boldin is a badass pickup and I loved Flacco two years ago, not so much this year.  Revis is back but is he in game shape?  We shall see.  I don’t believe in Sanchez, so I’m not all over this Jets train like the pundits are.  Time will tell.

San Diego over KC.  Is KC even relevant anymore?  The Cassel era has not gotten off to a bang, I don’t know hardly anyone on that team and San Diego will likely roll into the playoffs only to choke again.  But I can always bet on them during the regular season.

So there you have it, we’ll see how crappy my picks turn out to be, won’t we?  Or maybe I’ll be genius.  You never know.  I love the NFL.  Any given Sunday, baby.  See you for some discussion after the games!

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First & Ten

So yeah, I posted yet another fic, this one was going to be a one shot for a sports one shot contest but I’m getting such great responses that I’ll be forced to expand this one as well.  Wanna check it out?  Here’s a link:

First & Ten

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Football Frenzy

I know, I’ve been slacking on the sports part of this blog again.  I admit it freely.  To be fair, I tried to post my football picks last week and wordpress was fail, as was FF.net, and the compu-world was out to get me.  This week I’m not doing picks because half the teams will be resting players.

So, instead, I will write a little on Bowl Day as I watch my Noles hang with WV.  Early on it looked to be a rout but the defense came back and remembered how to play.  That, or, as I suspect and was calling for, Bobby took all the NFL vets on the sidelines for his last game and made the crappy players give them their uniforms.  What?  It would be awesome.  And better.

I have lots to discuss but first let’s comment on the end of the Outback Bowl which will no doubt be discussed ad nauseum on all the post game shows.  I think that call by Pat Fitzgerald was awesome as hell.  Epic.  Yeah, it didn’t work but clearly he had no faith in the kicker that had never been in a game so why not go for the fake and the win.  Should have run to the left though. Awesome play and a hell of a game.  Sorry I missed much of it but I hung in for OT.

I think any blogger, football announcer, football watcher or person in general is required to discuss Urban Meyer, so here is my take.  What a bunch of shit.  He has to leave for “health reasons” but then a day later it’s a “leave of absence”.  I wonder why?  Could it be because recruits were about to drop like flies?  So instead we’ll make some assurances and promises to the players until they’re committed in Feb and then Urban can “retire” again.  I’m sorry but one spirited practice does not fix a faulty heart.  What a boob.  So much for faith and family over football.  Lying ass.  I’ll be shocked if he comes back to coach.

Let’s talk NFL now.  The Colts…that was some fucked up shit wasn’t it?  You know damn well that Manning did not want to come out of the game and that he wanted to go back in when Painter came in and sucked ass.  Look, I get it, you play to win the Super Bowl.  But this is history we’re talking about.  This is destroying the fucking 72 Dolphins who you may remember I hate with the fire of 1000 suns.  Do it for me, bastards, if you won’t do it for yourselves.  Ridiculous.

Okay, I must go back to the Noles for a second.  Hell of a catch by Jarmon Fortson, going air and bringing it down with one hand.  This after a drop on an easy ass pass in the 2nd quarter.  I tweeted at the time that he always makes the hard catches and fails on the easy ones.  I am so right.  As usual. hehe Awesome play though, look it up if you missed it.  Noles up by 9, hoping they can hold and win one for Bobby.

Since I detoured to talk about one of my teams, let’s talk about the Bucs epic fail at failure.  WTF?  I mean, seriously, there we were, staring at the #1 pick in the draft, bringing a boy named Suh to Tampa which would have given me delightful writing opportunities, and what do we do?  We win 2 in a damn row.  2!  Including vs. the Saints.  I don’t even know what to do with that information.  First they betray me by firing our coach and hiring a completely unqualified replacement, then they get rid of my favorite players in the world, then they draft a QB in the first round that I did not want, then they suck epically for weeks on end and I resign myself to the first pick in the draft.  Then I see Suh in action and get excited about said prospect.  Then, of course, the Bucs decide to win.  They friggin hate me.  There’s no other explanation for their constant betrayal all year long.  Much hate to my team.

Did we see vintage Patriots last weekend vs. Jax?  Or was it just a mirage?  I don’t know but it was nice to see Brady and Moss on the same page again.  I hope it can continue into the playoffs because I’d like the Pats to make some noise.  The Colts are no longer allowed to win after their asshattery.

As to the Saints?  Their luck just ran out.  Sure they won 13 straight but they could have lost several of them along the way.  It happens.  I don’t know if there’s anything truly wrong with them or not; I never thought they were as good as they were touted to be anyway.  We’ll see what happens in the playoffs.

Now Minnesota, on the other hand…we’re seeing another Favrian collapse it seems to me.  End of the year he starts pressing and making dumb decisions.  AP hasn’t helped with several fumbles either.  The shine may be off that particular rose, if you get what I’m saying.  Again, we’ll see.

I don’t feel too great about any of the playoff teams if I’m being honest, except maybe San Diego.  They’ve been hot for ages now.  But they’ve done that before and crapped out in the post season so who knows?

Okay, my game is down to a 2 point lead so I will go watch and post this now and be back for more after.  See ya later!

I have returned.  I have to say that I had tears in my eyes and a smile on my face watching Bobby get his last win.  The fact that over 300 former players showed up to see him off says a lot about the man.  Seeing him hugging Warrick Dunn and Derrick Brooks just thrilled me.  I know what an effect he had on them and I loved the closeness.  I don’t think college football will ever see another coach like Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno, lifers, again.  He will truly be missed.

OSU is killing Oregon in the early going of the Rose Bowl.  I mean moving through that defense like they’re not on the field.  Nice to see them show up and play well in a BCS game for the first time in a long time.

I don’t know what to say about the LSU/PSU game.  I know that LSU dicked up on the clock, YET AGAIN.  How damn hard is it?  How many games have they lost recently by doing stupid shit in the last minute?  Paxton needs to come weigh in on that if she’s still coherent after the latest screw up.

That’s really all I wanted to say for now.  I could write a lot more about Bobby and I’m a bit irritated that CBS didn’t run a retrospective with quotes from former players for Bobby, I would have liked to see that.  Not to mention them having a working microphone for his final on-field interview.  Idiots.  At least the announcers avoided Tebow slobbering, I was sure they’d throw his name around because they’re contractually obligated to kiss up to him at all times.  Shocking.

Suffice it say that I hated the way that Coach Bowden had to go out but I do feel he forced the school’s hand.  It didn’t end the way it should for any of the sides.  But I’m glad he could leave with a win like that and it was nice to see signs of life in the defense for the first time all year.  EJ Manuel impressed the hell out of me and Fortson made a truly great catch that I can’t wait to see over and over again.  The team wanted to send Bobby out with a win and they did.  For that I am grateful and I will always and forever love Bobby Bowden and the program he created at FSU.  He made me a football fan.  He is an even better man than a coach and he was a pretty damn great coach so that says a lot.  Thanks for the memories, Bobby, you will never be forgotten.

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Week 15 NFL Picks

Whoo hoo!  See, I can be timely.  Got it in 2 hours before the Thursday night game, which I had stopped acknowledging.  Hey, I figure if the NFL won’t allow me to see the game, why should I bless it with my picks?  If a game happens in a television vacuum, does it count?  DT Award...hmmm.  Kurt Warner.  2 picks and I think 3 fumbles on Monday Night Football against an erratic 49ers team?  Unacceptable, especially a week after schooling the Vikings.  What a strange team.  Remind me of my schizo Noles.  Kurt Warner, Douchetard.

Indy over Jax:  Jacksonville sold out a game!  Who knew that could happen?  Of course everyone is going to see if Indy can go to 14-0, but a full stadium is a full stadium, no?  Need I repeat my motto?  I know the Colts are apt to pull all their starters at halftime but I still don’t think Jax will beat them.  They usually play them tough but the Colts usually pull it off anyway.

New Orleans over Dallas:  A month ago this would have looked like the elitest of the elite games but Dallas is in it’s usual December swoon so it loses some luster.  I don’t think Dallas has the athletes to keep up with NO.  Man that feels weird to type but there you go.  NO has had a couple of near misses but they keep on winning, no reason to think they won’t here and they’ll be up for this one.

New England over Buffalo:  My Pats are a shell of themselves but they should still win against the Bills.  Should I weigh in on the Moss situation?  I think he was upset over the stuff earlier in the week and it came out in the game.  I don’t see that happening this week, the coach and Brady won’t allow it.

Arizona over Detroit:  Hmmm…Zona vs. a team they should beat handily.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?  However, this is Detroit.  And Warner will be upset at his new Douchetard status and want to make me look the fool by throwing 5 TDs.  Bring it, Kurt, I’m betting on it!

Miami over Tennessee:  I honestly have no idea.  Miami has something to play for, Tenn really doesn’t.   I think Young got hurt too…I have no idea if he’s actually out and I’m too lazy to look it up.  Should be a low scoring game either way.

KC over Cleveland:  Holy Suck Bowl Batman!  Good lord, there have been some atrocious match ups this season but this might take the cake.  Does anybody want to watch it?  Anyone?  Why can’t this be the Thursday night game so we can pretend it didn’t happen?

Houston over St. Louis:  Alright, Texans, you and I have had a very rocky relationship.  Lately, we’ve been on the same page much to my utter surprise, but I’d really like it if you would defy me here.  Please crap the bed against the Rams.  Let them have a pity win.  Put Andre Johnson on the wrong plane or something.  This is all about the draft, baby, and the Rams need a win so my Bucs can get Suh.  I will dub thee my third favorite team if you do this for me.  Hell, you can have second favorite over the Bucs until they get good again (if that ever happens).

NY Jets over Atlanta:  The battle of the back ups.  Or is Sanchez back?  Does it matter?  I don’t know.  Is Ryan?  Yeah, maybe I should actually do a little research before I make my picks but lets be honest, you’re not reading me for insider knowledge.  Sarcasm and bitchery, that’s what you expect from me.  I’m happy to provide it too.  WTF, Miley Cyrus is again playing at an NFL stadium, granted 2 hours before the game but still, that shit should be outlawed.

Philly over San Fran:  Philly’s rolling right now although they did lose to a subpar Oakland team a few weeks ago.  I think they’ve got that out of their system though.  Though I kind of hate Philly due to their many run-ins with the Bucs until we won the Super Bowl in 2002 (YAY), I’ll always love McNabb and he looks like he’s having fun out there right now.  SF’s offense can’t keep up with Philly’s.

Baltimore over Chicago:  Chicago is out of the playoff hunt, Balt is not.  I don’t think anyway.  They put something like 48 last week against Detroit.  Yes, Detroit but Chicago honestly isn’t a very good team.  And Cutler vs. that secondary?  Yeah, Ed Reed is scoring a defensive TD tonight.  At least one.  Hee.  Love you Paxton.

Denver over Oakland:  Charlie Frye baby!  Is that how you spell his name?  Whatever, he’s the starting QB for Oakland.  I’ve heard of him and think he might have been on Cleveland at one point.  Yep, Cleveland, team of no quarterbacks worth a shit let him go.  That’s not a good sign.  Not remotely.  Bruce Gradkowski is injured, which I’m not going to cry over because he’s actually won a couple of games which makes him better than my crappy team that let him go.  Yay again.  Jamarcus…there are no words for the fact that Charlie Frye is starting ahead of the #1 pick in the draft.  Enjoy the Canadian League next year.

San Diego over Cincy:  I’d have made this pick easily without the news about Chris Henry today…I hesitate now because the Bengals will rally around his memory and play their hearts out.  I don’t know if it’s enough, they got rolled by Minny and SD is just as powerful.  I finally am a believer.  RIP Chris Henry, it sucks that you seemed to be getting it together and something happened and now you’re gone.

Pittsburgh over Green Bay:  I don’t know why I’m still picking Pitt, I guess I just believe that Tomlin scared the living shit out of his players this week and they’ll rise up and get it done.  I don’t know, call me stupid.  Call me stubborn.  This just feels like the type of game they’ll rise up and win and GB will give away.  Dunno.  We’ll see.

Seattle over Tampa:  I am frightened that the Bucs will pull a win out of their asses and solidify their #2 status in the draft.  Why should they ever do what I want them to do?  They have been royally horrific the last few weeks after a couple of decent games.  Freeman is throwing more completions to the other team and they’re doing nothing at all on offense.  The D actually looks marginally better but that’s like saying having syphilis is better than having herpes because it’s treatable.  It still ain’t good.  (where the hell did that analogy come from?  Sorry!)

Minnesota over Carolina:  Minny bounced back nicely after their Zona loss and there’s no reason to think they’ll falter against the lowly Panthers, who are playing with a lame duck coach just waiting for Bill Cowher to land in town.

NY Giants over Washington:  Well, I’ll give the Giants credit, they hung with Philly but they still lost.  And gave up 45 points.  That’s some scary ass defense they’re running there.  Fortunately for them, the Skins are not capable of putting up more than 20 pts.  Enjoy the weekend off, Giants.

That’s it, I think this blog was less inflammatory than the last one, right?  I don’t know what rage I had when I was writing that but I really don’t feel ragey today.  Hopefully not!  Enjoy the games, catch ya next week for Xmas games!  Have a great holiday peeps!

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