BPOV
To say that I was nervous would be understating things tremendously. After Edward’s pronouncement, fun times at the lagoon went flying out of my head and I demanded that he take me home. I had to confer with Alice and make absolutely sure that I would be able to control myself. It was all her fault anyway; she’d ordered some new furniture to be delivered. It’s not like there weren’t eight super strong individuals to bring in a new daybed for her room. Any one of us could have done it but she’d requested delivery.
I flew down the mountain, anger and fear propelling me faster than I’d gone before. Edward caught up to me but I noticed that he actually had to push himself to maintain pace this time.
“Love, we wouldn’t be doing this if Alice wasn’t sure. She said everything is going to be fine.”
“And as you were once so fond of pointing out to me, Alice’s visions are subjective. Things can change. Or was that only a line you spouted when you were afraid of changing me?” Edward smirked at me as he leaped over a thorny bush.
“They change based upon what you decide. Do you think you’re going to decide that you suddenly want to eat a human?”
“No, I am not going to actively decide that, Edward. But what if I can’t control myself? What if I’m doing alright and then the deliveryman drops the chair and it falls on his toe and he bleeds? Remember Jasper and my paper cut?” He winced at that. “And Jasper has a lot more experience with humans than I do! So much could go wrong, Edward. I don’t want to do this.” It was too great a risk, not just one but two human lives. More than that really, their friends and families would be affected if I killed them. I could not do it.
Edward reached out and grabbed my arm. I let him stop me but yanked myself away from him, pacing about the woods. “Bella, if you don’t want to try, then we won’t. Nobody is going to force you to do anything.” No, they wouldn’t force me but they would make me feel like a failure if I didn’t at least give it a shot. Emmett would tease me endlessly and Jasper would be disappointed that I’d wasted all his training.
“I’m scared, Edward.”
He was at my side then, stilling my nervous movement, clasping my hands in his own. His golden eyes burned into mine. I searched them, looking for signs of anger or disappointment but all I saw was love, the same thing I always saw when I looked at him. “Of course you’re scared, it’s only natural. But you know what, Bella?” I shook my head. “I’m not scared. Not at all. I know you can do it and I’d know that without Alice’s vision. I know you. I know what you’re capable of and I don’t have one shred of doubt that you will make it through without harming anyone.” His belief in me shone in his face and in his tone. It was almost enough to make me believe I could do it.
I clutched his hands tightly in mine, mindful not to squeeze too hard and cause him pain. “What if I kill them?” Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the image of two large men drained of every drop of their blood, pale corpses on Esme’s living room rug.
“You won’t, Bella. You can’t! Look at yourself right now. You’re completely freaked out, aren’t you?” I nodded, of course I was. Everything in me was screaming to stay here, far away from the house, far away from the temptation that live humans would bring me. “Yet here you are, holding my hands and controlling the pressure you use. You are actively thinking about not hurting me, aren’t you?” I frowned but nodded. “You can do that, now, when your emotions are all over the place. How could you not think you could do that tomorrow, when you will desire nothing more than to not hurt the deliverymen?”
That was different, wasn’t it? “It’s because I don’t want to hurt you, Edward.”
“You don’t want to hurt them either, do you?”
“No, but I don’t love them like I do you.”
He caressed my cheek, his touch soothing me. “Your love for me is something I will never question or take for granted, Bella, but even if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t hurt me. You’re incapable of it. You have such a huge heart, Love, it’s one of your most attractive traits. You are kind and gentle and loving. You cannot hurt those men. You won’t hurt them. You know it. Look inside yourself and see, just once see what I do. You’re so strong, Bella. The strongest person I know. You can do this.”
I closed my eyes and let his words wash over me. Edward’s belief in me was astounding. Of course, it was silly, I couldn’t compare my depthless love for him with my worry over some nameless deliverymen but I understood what he was saying. I didn’t know these men; I hadn’t even seen them yet, but I felt responsible for them. I had to make sure they returned safely to their families.
I straightened my shoulders and opened my eyes. “If I try this…you’ll all be there?”
A triumphant smile flashed across his face. “Of course! Every one of us will be with you, except for Carlisle who will be at work. Jasper will be on hand to keep you calm, if need be. Emmett is more than happy at the idea of tackling you should you make a move towards the men. Alice will be watching every move you make and anticipating any move you might make. And I’ll be there, at your side and holding your hand. I won’t even have to hold it tightly, Bella, because I know you won’t need to be restrained by me. You’ll take care of it all yourself.”
His belief in me bolstered me immeasurably. “I want to talk to Alice. I need to know everything going in. I’m not going to risk two innocent lives.”
He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “Of course not, love. We can go talk to her right now, I’m sure she’s waiting for us.” I started to let go of his hand but he tightened his grip on mine. “Bella, I’m so proud of you. You’re nothing short of incredible. That you’re ready to be around humans, only two months after your change, is astounding. And don’t doubt that you are ready. Your work with Jasper has been leading to this moment. He knows you can handle it; we wouldn’t be trying this without his approval either, despite what Alice saw.” Jasper thought I was ready too? Edward, well, that was no surprise, he thought I could do anything. Jasper was very aware of my limitations and was quick to tell me when I was doing something wrong. If he felt I was ready, then I really must be.
Edward must have seen something change in my face. “That makes you feel better, doesn’t it? That Jasper signed off on this?”
I bit my lip, worried that he was going to take what I said the wrong way. “Edward, your belief in me means the world to me, you know that. But we both know that you’re always going to support me, even when I’m wrong.” He grimaced but nodded. “Jasper won’t do that; he’ll tell me that I can’t do something or that I’m not doing it correctly. He’ll call me out.”
Edward laughed softly. “You do have my measure, don’t you?”
“I just know how much you love me, Edward. I’d be the same way if the situation were reversed. Your encouragement means the world to me. Sometimes, though, I need the push to be better. Jasper does that.”
“I know he does, love, and I’m glad that he’s been such a help to you.”
“Without him, I wouldn’t remotely be considering doing this.”
“I know.”
“So, I’m going to try.”
“No, you’re going to do it.”
I smiled at him. “Alright, I’m going to do it.”
His answering smile rivaled the sun in its brightness. “Let’s go see Alice and Jasper and put your mind at ease.” I released his hand then and we both took off to find our sister and brother, I really did need to know everything she saw happening so I could prepare for it as best I could and I needed to hear Jasper’s support with my own two ears. Edward wouldn’t lie to me but he would exaggerate to make me feel better and we both knew I knew it.
We zipped down the mountain, Edward keeping his pace even with mine so we’d arrive home together. We walked into our house only to find Alice and Jasper both perched on the couch in the library, a cozy fire blazing in the hearth. Alice beamed at me. “You wanted to talk to us?”
I just shook my head at her obvious enthusiasm and sat next to her on the couch. She instantly cuddled into my side, laying her head on my shoulder, her spiky hair tickling my neck. “Yes, I do. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, Alice. I’m not ready.”
She lifted her head and her golden eyes scorched mine; they were as wide as saucers and shone with sincerity. “Oh Bella, you are ready! I wouldn’t have done it if there was even a shred of a chance that you’d lose control!” Her lower lip trembled. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it first, but when I saw everything would be okay…well, I just went ahead. To be fair, I did talk to Jasper, Edward and Carlisle first and they all agreed with me that it was for the best.”
“How can it possibly be for the best, Alice? I’m still a newborn, only two months old!”
She bit her lip, looking eerily like me in that moment. “But Bella, we’re going to be faking your death in a matter of weeks at this point.” My chest clenched at those words. She was right, we were getting very close to the holidays and it was nearly time to arrange my “passing”. But what did that have to do with anything?
“What does that have to do with me being exposed to humans?”
Alice exchanged a glance with Edward, who was sitting next to me on the arm of the sofa, his hand massaging the back of my neck. “Well, in order to fake your death we have to leave here, you know? We’ve talked about it some…” and clearly not included me in said conversation, “and we think it would be best if you and Edward had a boat accident.”
“A boat accident? Where? When?”
“We have a cabin in Maine. You and Edward will go up there for a little private weekend getaway. You’ll take out the new boat, which will have a leak in the gas line. The boat explodes, bodies are never found.” Alice spoke matter-of-factly, like we weren’t talking about officially ending my life, as far as my friends and family knew.
It was too much, I couldn’t think about that right now on top of this whole human thing. I felt the anxiety rising as I pictured Charlie’s reaction to the news of my demise in the Atlantic Ocean. He would be so crushed. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like a boulder was pressing against my stomach. The pressure quickly lifted though, as I felt a burst of calm coming from the end of the couch. “Thanks, Jasper.”
He nodded and raised an eyebrow at me. “One thing at a time, Bella. We’ll deal with that when we need to, for now we need to focus on getting you through tomorrow.” He was right; of course, I could worry about that once I got through this challenge.
Alice grabbed my hand. “As I was saying before you got all worked up, you need to be exposed to humans now, in a controlled environment, before we head up to Maine. There’s no way to avoid humans entirely on that trip. No matter what we do, I see you coming across people in some way, even if you run the whole way. So, you’re better off testing yourself here.” She was right. At least here I’d be surrounded by my family in my own home.
I sighed as Edward’s fingers began to work their magic on my shoulders, digging in and hitting all my pressure points. Between him and Jasper, I was feeling slightly better. “Tell me how it happens. I need to know everything.”
And she was off, telling me about the deliverymen’s arrival. I’d sit in the living room between Edward and Jasper with Emmett standing in the doorway between me and the humans, just in case. They would converse with Alice for a few minutes, come in to the house to see where they’d be taking the daybed. Then they’d go to their truck and get the piece of furniture and take it upstairs. The entire thing would take less than half an hour and I’d sit on the couch the whole time according to her vision.
“And that’s it? I don’t attempt to move or anything?”
“No, at least I can’t see your body move a muscle in the visions. I know you stop breathing a time or two, which is perfectly normal and something we all still do from time to time. It’s a good precaution to take.”
“And you don’t see any mishaps whatsoever? Like one of them dropping the daybed on their foot or cutting their finger on a banister or something?”
“Absolutely not.”
“But you didn’t see me cutting my finger at my birthday party either.”
Alice sighed. “I don’t know why I didn’t see it, Bella. I guess it’s because I couldn’t see your birthday at all, since you were such a pain about celebrations. After you agreed, I didn’t get anything about the party, probably because you were still thinking about getting out of it.”
I had to laugh at that one; I had wanted to convince Edward to let me out of going. I wonder where we’d be today if I had. Probably not here, which is the only place I wanted to be, regardless of the possible bloodshed tomorrow. I looked at Jasper who was staring into the fire. He’d winced when I mentioned my birthday and I felt terrible for having brought it up again. “Jasper, I’m sorry, I hope you know that I don’t blame you for what happened.”
He gave me a half smile. “I know you don’t but I do. I should have been better able to control myself. Look at how strong you are, already. I have no excuse for what I did, only regret.”
I got up then and crouched in front of him, putting my hands on his knees and staring into his ocher eyes. “No regrets. If I slip tomorrow,” Alice started to speak but I cut her off with a look, “if I do, will you hold it against me?”
He looked horrified and took both my hands in his own. “Of course not! You’re a newborn, Bella, normally I wouldn’t attempt to let you be around a human this early but you’re special. You have self control the likes of which I’ve never seen. I think maybe Carlisle was as strong as you are, seeing as he was on his own and managed to refrain from attacking humans, but he’s the only other vampire that I’ve ever heard of who could resist the call of blood that early.”
“What makes you think I can do it?”
“I don’t think, I know.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I trained you. Because I watched you resist human scents for the past month. Do you realize that the clothes I stole not only had the scent of the human on them but also blood?” My mouth fell open in surprise. “That’s right, Bella, after that first week of training I had Carlisle bring me blood from the hospital. I saturated the clothes in them. And not once did you leave the trail to go after it.”
“How? How did I do it?”
He gave a sardonic laugh. “I wish I knew. I’m sure it has something to do with your gift, but what that is or how it works I couldn’t say. What I do know is that you’re determined not to hurt anyone. I can feel that when you’re on the trail and you catch the scent I’ve laid down. Your drive not to give in to the bloodlust is pretty much unparalleled. The only determination I’ve felt that was remotely close to as strong is from this one.” He dropped my hands and pressed a kiss to Alice’s forehead and smiled fondly. “And we all know how Alice is when she gets an idea into her head.” We all laughed at that; truer words were never spoken.
I stopped laughing and asked him the most important question. “You’re really sure that I’m ready for this?”
The mirth left Jasper’s face and he narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you questioning my training?”
“No, of course not!” God, had I offended him? I couldn’t help my fears.
The stern look was replaced by a grin. “I was just kidding, Bella. Trying to lighten the tension you’re all but shouting at me at this point.”
“Can’t you just use your power on me?”
“Yes, but then you’re still going to doubt yourself because I had to help you and we’ll have to go through this all over again. So, no, I won’t use my power until you’re bearing down on one of the unsuspecting humans.” I frowned at that response and he took my hands again. “You won’t need me, Bella, I know it. But I will be there to support you and to cheer you on when you come out of it without harming a hair on the human’s heads.”
“You believe in me.” He truly did, they all did. I couldn’t let them down. I wouldn’t let them down. I would tell myself that a thousand times before the men arrived.
“I do and you already know that. We wouldn’t do this if we all weren’t sure. I wouldn’t care if you did take a human life.” I flinched at that. “Let me finish! I wouldn’t care about the human; I’m not used to looking at them the way you are. But I do care about you and I know what it would do to you if you killed someone. I wouldn’t chance the pain it would cause you, Bella. Know that. Feel that.” I did feel it, his love for me was a tangible emotion and he was pushing it at me, letting me see just how much was there. I gasped at the intensity of emotion coming from him. It was love and protectiveness, similar to what I felt from Edward but without the passion. Instead it was just a steady hum, comforting, like being wrapped in a warm blanket.
I threw my arms around him, hoping he could feel my love as well. There were so many fabulous things about being changed but other than being with Edward forever, the next best thing was the closeness I now had with Jasper and Emmett. We’d always been friendly but since my change they truly had become my brothers. Jasper returned my embrace. “I know.” His words warmed me just as much as his emotions had; I was glad he knew how I felt.
“They’re so cute together, aren’t they Edward?” Alice tittered. I pulled back to find them both grinning at the two of us. Alice was holding Emmett’s silly doll for some unknown reason.
“They are. If I didn’t know better I might be tempted to kick my dear brother’s butt.”
Jasper snorted. “I’d like to see you try.”
Edward’s smile only widened. “We’re pretty evenly matched; last time we fought it was a draw.” I remembered it well. The clearing where we’d played baseball, the wolves watching intently as Edward and Jasper showed them how to fight the newborns. The wolves…I felt a pang thinking about that day. Jasper squeezed my arm and I fought back the sadness.
“Yes, it was a draw as I recall.”
Jasper’s smile turned challenging. “Then I think we should break the tie, don’t you?”
“I’m game.”
Alice groaned. “Seriously, you’re going to do this now? Jazzy, I want to go swimming.” She shot me a smile. “It’s our turn in the waterfall. Bella, I’m going to take the doll if that’s okay?” I felt desire start to flutter in my stomach as I thought back to our alone time in the lagoon. Wait, what does she want Emmett Junior for?
Jasper was up in a flash. “Rain check!” He scooped Alice off the couch and they disappeared before I could say goodbye. Edward chuckled at their abrupt departure.
He slid onto the couch and pulled me into his lap. “Do you feel better now, love?”
I thought about it for a minute before answering. “I do. Knowing what Alice sees and knowing that Jasper feels I’m ready makes me feel more reassured.” I scooted around in his arms so I was facing him. “Not that your faith in me doesn’t reassure me! You’re my strength, Edward.”
He kissed my nose. “No, you’re incredibly strong, even without me. I have all the faith in the world in you, Bella, but that’s not because I’m blinded by love for you. It’s because I know and admire the woman you are.”
“You admire me, huh?”
“Every inch of you.”
“How about you show me just how much you admire every inch of me?”
A sexy smile stole over his impossibly handsome face. “How about I do just that?” He swept me up from the couch and carried me to the bed and proceeded to worship me for hours. He was the perfect distraction as always; his touch excited me but steadied me at the same time.
We lay in the bed for hours, just touching and talking about nothing, feeling that bubble of contentment where it felt like we were the only two beings in the entire world. Edward burst the bubble when he ran a hand down the curve of my spine. “Love, it’s almost time for the delivery. Are you ready to go over there?”
I stared at him and bit my lip but nodded slowly.
“If you’re not, we can leave. We’ll go hunting.” His hand moved to my cheek, his thumb tracing over my jawbone.
“No, I can do this. You all say I can so I can.” I got out of bed and pulled on jeans and a Dartmouth sweatshirt. It was best that I look weather appropriate, wasn’t it?
“Hey, Edward? Why did Alice want the doll?”
He laughed long and hard. “Revenge.” Of course. Emmett had embarrassed her by telling me the sex story and now she was going to get back at him. He was absurdly attached to that doll, coming over to visit with it whenever Rosalie was out of earshot. It was slightly insane but he looked so cute with the tiny version of himself that I refrained from commenting.
“What is she going to do?”
Edward just shook his head, his bronze hair glinting in the lamplight. “You’ll see soon enough.” Knowing Alice, it would be good. I laughed and took Edward’s hand, his strength and support flowed into me at first touch. It gave me the bolster that I needed to go into the main house. Esme greeted us at the door and enveloped me in one of her soft hugs. She smelled of lilac and rainstorms. I closed my eyes and just absorbed the scent and feel of her.
She pulled back just enough to take my face in both of her hands and stare into my eyes. “Bella, I am so proud of you. You’ve come incredibly far in a short amount of time.”
I wanted to cry and not for the first time cursed my inability to do so. “What if I slip, Esme?”
She pushed my hair back and smiled gently. “You won’t, but if you ever do, none of us will love you any less. Most of us have done so and our feelings for one another remain as unchanging as we are.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“A mother knows, Bella. Call it intuition, call it instinct, call it whatever you want to. I don’t have Alice’s gift of sight but I don’t need it here because I feel it deep inside of me.” It was my turn to hug her. My own mother wasn’t here but I knew if she was she would have said something just like that, albeit with a sexual reference or two thrown in because that’s how Renee rolled.
“Thanks, Mom.” Esme pulled back, her eyes shining as they did on the rare occasions when I called her that.
“You go, sit with your brothers and sisters. It’s almost time.” I fought against the urge to run and made my feet follow Edward into the living room. I could hear the delivery truck already; it was a couple of miles away. I bit back a smile when I glanced up and saw that Edward and Jasper had situated themselves on the couch already, leaving the perfect amount of space in between them for me to fit. Before I could walk to them Emmett accosted me, wrapping me in one of his giant bear hugs and swinging me around.
“Bella! This is awesome! Your first time around humans since your change! I’m so excited!” He kept twirling me in circles, my hair flying into my face as he turned me round and round. I forgot the impending test of my will and let loose with giggles as he kept me flying through the air. Only Emmett could distract me at a time like this.
“Em, if you don’t stop turning me in circles I’m going to be the first vampire to projectile vomit from dizziness.” He chuckled and put me down, patting my hair back into place and then gripping my shoulders in his giant hands.
“You ready for this, little sis?”
Nerves fluttered but I looked at the happiness in his face and the confidence in Edward and Jasper’s and told him that I was.
A wide grin split his face and his dimples flashed at me. “I kind of hope that you do lose a little control; it’ll be fun to take you down!”
I scoffed at him. “Like you could, I am stronger than you, you know.”
“Everyone keeps saying that but thus far you haven’t proved it.”
“Then I will. But later, though, not now, please.”
Emmett’s grin faded and he gripped my shoulders tightly. “Don’t worry; I won’t let you through, no matter what. I wouldn’t let you do that to yourself.” I knew he wouldn’t and I hugged him tightly.
“Thanks, Em.”
“Go sit down, I need to take my guard dog position!” He bounced into the doorway and struck a menacing pose, his arms crossed and his muscles bulging out of the bright yellow muscle shirt he was wearing.
“You know, the deliverymen are going to take one look at you and ask you to carry the furniture up the stairs.” His stern expression fell into another heart melting grin.
“I’ll just tell them you’re the brute in the family and have you do it then.”
I snorted and plopped down between Edward and Jasper, taking each of their hands in one of my own. As if they coordinated it, both of them squeezed my hands at the same time. Of course, maybe they did. Edward could hear Jasper’s thoughts, after all.
Jasper leaned over and looked into my face, I guess searching to see if I was truly okay. “Close your eyes.” I furrowed my brow at him but did so anyway. “Breathe. Can you smell them?” I inhaled deeply and caught it; the distinct scent of two different humans. The venom welled in my mouth and I felt my muscles start to bunch as they always did before I went after my prey. No, Bella. You don’t want them, no matter how good they smell. You do not want to do this. My inner voice did its job, my body slowly relaxing. The boys responded to my calming by lessening their grips on my hands, which had tightened due to my initial reaction to the human scent.
“Keep breathing it in, Bella.” I realized that I had stopped, holding my breath when I started relaxing. I took in another ragged breath, the scent tearing through me and screaming at me to run and make it mine. I held tightly to Edward and Jasper’s hands, willing myself again to remain calm. I inhaled again, the burn becoming more familiar with each pull of air into my lungs. “That’s right, breathe in and breathe out. You can tolerate it, can’t you?” I nodded, not wanting to cease my breathing. I had a rhythm going, breathe in, burn, breathe out, swallow venom and do it again.
“You’re doing wonderfully, Bella.” Edward’s voice pierced my concentration, his thumb tracing over my hand and sending those comforting sparks through my body. I focused on that as I took in the next breath and noticed that the burn lessened with the awareness of Edward’s touch. His effect on me was incredible.
“Edward, when you touch me…” I gritted my teeth against the pull of that scent; it was getting more pungent the closer they got to the house. It would only be a minute now.
“What about when I touch you, love?”
“It helps.” I bit off the words, gasping in pain as the odor tore into me. Edward’s other hand moved to my arm, tracing up and down, the tingles shooting though me and igniting a different kind of fire in my body. The two desires warred within me for a moment but then the electricity won out and I was able to breathe again. I still wanted that scent but I wanted Edward’s hands on me more.
A rumbling engine sounded outside followed by two quick door slams. Alice skipped in the room and smiled at me. “It’ll be just fine, Bella, you’ll see. The worst of it is already over.” Was she serious? They hadn’t even stepped into the room yet and the pain had been searing before Edward touched me. Or was he, again, the answer? I decided to think about nothing but him as I heard the footsteps approaching the front door.
His golden eyes shone at me as he ran his hand up and down my arm. He let go of my hand and wrapped his other arm around me, pushing my hair back from my neck and placing his hand there. I could feel the heat pulsing between us. I want to kiss him. I want to touch him. I want to sink my teeth into the necks and still those beautiful beating hearts that are now on the porch, knocking on the door; innocent lambs that I could slaughter in just a matter of moments.
Edward’s lips, Edward’s magnificent hard body, planes and angles and warm flowing blood in my mouth, venom welling, thrashing victim with dying eyes. Victim with children and families, people who loved them as I loved my family. Hot blood, pounding pulse, deafening heartbeat; how I want it. Much like I want Edward, to sink my teeth into his unyielding skin and taste that honey and sunshine flavor and the rusty taste of the blood; life in my hands. Blood pouring down my throat, Edward’s tongue in my mouth, sucking the life out of the men, pounding hearts, Edward pounding into me; golden eyes, copper hair, red lips, crimson blood, salt and honey and man. My man, my victims, my family, their families, life and death and my parents hearing I died and the look of disgust in Jacob’s eyes if he ever saw me again and red eyes, my eyes were close to gold now, kind of orange/gold but I ate the tasty humans they’d be red again and I’d have to try again and I could never go to school and to the mall, not that I wanted to go to the mall, maybe I should suck them dry. Mmm suck…Edward, long piano playing fingers, silken hair and gorgeous smile.
Footsteps in the hallway, heartbeats echoing through the house. Do they feel me? Do they sense what I want to do to them? I could be humane. One snap of the neck, they’d never feel the pain. I bet if I drained one, Jasper would take the other. It’s hard for him. I can’t do that to him. If I slip, he’ll slip and he doesn’t want to let Alice down. I don’t want to let any of them down, especially not Edward. He has such faith in me. Alice is chirping, they’re going upstairs, taking their precious blood with them. I can still taste it though, it’s so very close. It could be mine in just a matter of seconds. Emmett couldn’t stop me. He’d feel terrible if he let me by but I’m stronger so he would forgive himself. They’d all forgive me. Just one little taste of human blood. I need to know what I’m missing, right? We could arrange a little accident on the roadway, nobody would be the wiser. Nobody would suspect I killed two men.
I would know though. Edward would know. Would he look at me differently? Would I repulse him? Ahhh feel the electricity of his touch, what it does to me. I want him all the time. ALL THE TIME. If he only knew. Thank God he can’t read my mind. Why can’t he read my mind? What is wrong with me? I’m defective, clearly. I can’t even be a normal vampire. Here I sit, wanting to eat and denying myself. Why am I doing that?
Oh yes, innocent people, I don’t want to kill them. Why don’t I kill not innocent people? Edward could help me, he could read their minds and tell me who was bad. I could dispense justice. I’d be like a hero then, right? Except that killing was wrong and even bad people have people who love them. I don’t know why they would love them, but they do.
They’re coming back down the stairs. I want them. One taste. I can stop after one taste, Jasper can voodoo them somehow and they won’t remember. Wait a minute, of course they’ll remember, it’s not like Jasper can hypnotize people. That would be a cool power to have. Maybe that’s my power. I’ll tell Emmett and we’ll work on it. He’d like that.
Ten feet away. Ten small feet away. I could be to them in 1.8 seconds. Maybe 1.6. I should test that, see how fast I am when hunting. It’d be a scientific experiment. Carlisle would approve of that, surely, he’s always wanting to know how things work. I could figure it out for him. How fast can a hundred pound newborn get to her prey, kill and drain them? Twenty seconds I bet. Twenty glorious seconds.
Oh, there they go, out to the truck. See, they could have an accident there; maybe that sliding door falls down and slices both their necks open. It could happen. It would be a sad and tragic occurrence. I bet their families would get some kind of life insurance though. They’d be taken care of.
But then some kid would be without their daddy; just like I am going to be without mine in a couple weeks. I love Carlisle but he’s not my dad. Charlie needs me and I need him. I’m going to break his heart and now I want to break the hearts of some poor family before Thanksgiving. Very nice of you, Bella, why not just go to the Volturi and let Aro turn you into his next little toy like Jane? I could take part in that macabre feeding like they had when we were there before. I had nightmares about that for months. Now here I am, wanting to be a part of it. I’m sick and twisted.
Look, there they are with Alice’s silly daybed. What does she need that thing for anyway? It’s not like she sits still for more than three minutes at any given time. We don’t sleep. I miss sleep. I miss dreaming. Of course I dreamt about Edward and he’s sitting right next to me and I can have him anytime I want to and I really want him now. So why do I need to dream? Sleep felt good though. I’m never at rest anymore. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and shut out the world for awhile, but I can’t because I hear everything.
Like those heavy footsteps making their way upstairs. Thump, thump, thump, thump; two heartbeats beating opposite tunes, each one calling to me. Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella. It would be so easy. Yank myself away from Edward and Jasper, plow over Emmett, be up the stairs, shove Alice out of the way and drink to my heart’s content. I want it.
No, I don’t want it. Bella, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KILL THOSE MEN. You need to stop thinking about it. Go back to thinking about Edward. Edward’s lips tracing over your body, Edward’s tongue flicking your bellybutton ring, Edward’s hands moving up your thighs, heat flooding through you as they finally reach the spot where…
“Thanks so much! Take care!” I was wrenched out of whatever that mental diatribe I’d been on by the sound of Alice’s happy voice and the slamming of the door. Suddenly everyone was before me wearing huge smiles. Edward was hugging me and Emmett was doing some strange dance that looked like a cross between a do-si-do and the Macarena. Jasper looked completely satisfied and Alice clapped her hands as if she’d just won the grand prize on a game show. Esme glowed with pride.
“I told you that you could do it! You didn’t even try to get away from the boys!” Alice started dancing with Emmett; shaking her little body in some perfect rhythm to God knew what song.
Jasper squeezed my hand. “You ran the gamut of emotions there but running through it all was that determination that I told you about. It was there when you were nearly insane with hunger, it was there when you were upset with yourself and it was there when you were lusting, I assume over Edward.” Emmett let out a loud guffaw at that revelation and I buried my face in Edward’s chest, his laughter shaking through me and igniting that fire again.
“How did you do it, love?”
I shook my head. “I have no idea. I just sat there and thought about tons of things. Eating the men, you, my family, our family, what would happen if I slipped, joining the Volturi…” he frowned at that. “Anytime I started thinking too heavily about eating the men, another thought would intrude, I guess. I’d think of their families or what you would think of me if I slipped and somehow I managed not to go after them.”
Jasper nodded, satisfied with my explanation and my resistance. “I knew you could do it.”
“We all did!” Alice crowed happily, throwing her arms around me again.
“I don’t know how I did it but I guess I did. After awhile, though I was aware of them, I kept getting lost in my thoughts.”
“Whatever works for you, little sis! Soon we’ll be able to go back out in the world and you can help us play tricks on humans! It would help if you would get a power though.” I chuckled, remembering my hypnosis idea but decided not to mention it.
“I’ll work on it, Em, just for you.”
He grinned and ran upstairs, telling Rose all about my victory over bloodlust. She didn’t sound overly interested but I didn’t care. What I cared about was the man next to me, looking at me with joy and wonder.
“You are incredible, love.” I wrapped my arms around him and breathed, enjoying his scent even more than that of the humans.
“You make me feel that way.” His lips met mine and all felt right in my world again. My first major test and I had passed. I was ready for whatever came next.
I was secretly hoping that Edward would be able to read her mind when she’s in distress 🙂
Hee, nope, he can’t read her, at least not yet. Maybe in time, when her power comes out…maybe. I did like that aspect of BD, when she was able to share her mind with him. I wouldn’t mind replicating it!