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Archive for the ‘Blue Mountain State’ Category

So I did it.  I promised, when word leaked that Max Brady had been cast as a QB on a Spike TV show, that I would watch and blog that bad boy.  So, last night at 10 PM, after searching the net to find out what the hell channel Spike TV was on, I tuned in to watch Darrin Brooks attempt to convince me he could be a quarterback in college.  Yeah, it was as I anticipated.  Couldn’t he have been forced to attend Manning’s throwing camp before they put him on the air?  I’m pretty sure a guy should not look limp wristed as he releases the ball.

It was out of dedication to Paxton and all my Days/sports fans that I watched, so you better realize how much I love you now.  I don’t love you enough to ever watch this steaming pile of crap again (and the 2nd episode featured not one, but two, steaming piles of crap so I know of what I speak) but I did choke down 2 episodes.

And I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever watched a worse show in my entire life.  The acting was terrible, the stories were terrible, the jokes were terrible.  You get the gist.  And they were not terrible in a holy hell, I can make such awesome fun of that way.  They were just bad.

Let’s go through the issues.  First of all, DB cannot play a QB.  I established the throwing issue but also, I had to endure him shirtless more times than I care to count and no.  Just no.  The QB tends to be the most cut guy on a team.  Not the most muscular, but what is there tends to be very defined.  Abs you could cut glass on.  And lick.  Yes, I do have a thing for QB’s.  No, I do not have a thing for DB as a QB.  Oh, and he’s supposed to be a freshman.  Yeah…maybe a freshman that took a 10 year sabbatical to do something else.  He looked like Chris Weinke out there, minus the talent and general awesomeness of course.

Anyhow, his name is Alex Moran, I believe, and he’s the backup QB at Blue Mountain State which is apparently a big wig on the college landscape.  Um…yeah.  And Alex is proud as hell of being a backup because he doesn’t have to get hit or do anything other than drink and bang girls.  Now, I attended a big time college program, the biggest in the 90’s (FSU) and I can tell you that the backup QB does not get a lot of play UNLESS he’s believed to be the second coming.  Then, yeah, girls will try to get their hooks in.  But seeing as Alex’s ambition seems to be to never start?  No, I don’t think so.  Plus, he’s incredibly not hot, irritating, egotistical for no reason and an ass.  So, yeah, I don’t think he’d get laid by 3 different girls the first week of school.

Besides him, we have some linebacker who has gay tendencies though he denies them who loves torturing the rookies, the star rookie running back whose girlfriend won’t give it up and appears to actually be a lesbian, and the mascot.  Yes, the mascot is Alex’s best friend and a complete dork who even manages to get laid.  No.  Just no.

I would talk about the plot but there really wasn’t one other than the linebacker making the rookies do gay things (like shave one another’s balls and run a race in their jock straps with a cookie between their butt cheeks, that they then had to eat when Alex’s cookie came out).  That’s right, I got to see Max Brady in a jock strap.  There are some things you just can’t unsee.  I hope you realize what I’ve gone through for you.  Send flowers and gifts if you must 🙂

The second episode, which I still can’t believe I watched, had the running back’s girlfriend going out of town so she made him wear a promise ring.  Alex decided he needed to celebrate his promising so they took him to a strip club wherein he lost said ring.  He didn’t drop it, mind you, he lost it INSIDE a girl.  So they had to go back to investigate and didn’t find it.  Then, Sandy the Mascot boy, decided to help him out by trashing his room and making it look like a robbery.  Alex and the RB and his girlfriend came back to find the place trashed and aforementioned steaming pile of crap on the coffee table.  And in said crap?  The ring!  Sandy spent much of his time at the strip club paying $30 a pop to go down on strippers and he apparently swallowed it.  Isn’t that high class, awesome television?  Don’t you feel good having read that synopsis?

Alex, meanwhile, had been flirting with the linebacker’s half sister and took her to the strip club with him twice.  Classy.  She liked it though and became a stripper herself, much to Alex’s chagrin because apparently strippers are like paintings in a museum, you look and enjoy but you do not date them.  Anyway, linebacker groped his sister at the club before he knew it was her and then he was mad so he ran to Alex’s, trashed his room and crapped on the coffee table as well. Steaming pile #2 if you will.  Steaming pile #3 was the show itself.

So, there you have it.  I’m sorry I couldn’t live blog my reactions as I watched but I can’t rewatch that.  I just cannot do it.   I would rather get teeth pulled without Novocain than go through that again.  There was not one likable character.  Even the virgin running back was annoying because he kept giving in and going along with Alex and whining about not getting laid.  I think I’ll stick with a quality football show in FNL and forget that BMS even exists.  It’s better that way.  I include no pictures on this blog because none are worthy of being on my page.  Hope you enjoyed my description…I’m sure, like me, you feel the need to go take a shower now.  Gross.

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