A/N Yeah, we’ve officially ended the portion where I’m doing the same scenes with different viewpoints. While I would really like to stagger each chapter; this one has to be in Bella’s point of view. Edward is not going to be around to observe her conversation with Jake and that needs to be done here so I can get on to bigger and better things. We’ll hear from Edward next chapter, I promise!
This is my favorite chapter and I’m dying to know what you all think, so let me know!
BPOV
Though I would have much rather stayed wrapped in Edward’s strong arms, there were things I had to do. Not that facing Jacob and telling my parents I was getting married were high on my priority list, but I’d rather get the yelling done in one foul swoop. This was turning out to be quite the day.
Before I could ask Edward to get me back to my truck, Alice descended upon me like she did a sale at Macy’s. “Bella, we have to talk wedding plans! I’ve got magazines and several bridal books at home, and I’ll show you the design I have for your dress. We need to talk themes and the venue…” Dear lord, she was off at a mile a minute. I had to nip this in the bud.
“Alice!” She stopped her rapid speech and stared at me with beseeching eyes. I had to hold up a hand before she launched into one of her classic guilt trips. “Look, we both know that you’re going to plan this whole wedding with no input from me. If I gave you input, you would turn around and do what you wanted anyway, so how about we save us both some time and you just do whatever needs to be done and tell me when I need to show up.”
Her pixie face scrunched up for a moment as she thought that over. That or she was tapping into her visions to see if what I said was accurate. Her face cleared and she smiled at me in one of her irresistible grins. “Yep, that’s exactly how it would go. Maybe you’re going to be a psychic when you change too!”
“It doesn’t take a psychic to see you’re going to get your way no matter what I say or do. I just have a couple of requests.”
“Yes, what are those?” Like she didn’t already know.
“You have a month.” A month shouldn’t give her enough time to turn the wedding into the sideshow she’d no doubt like it to be. Alice nodded patiently. “Keep it small. We don’t need to invite half of Forks. I only know a handful of people, that’s plenty.” She made a face at that one and gave me another nod, albeit a more reluctant one. “And finally, I’m not dressing up in a huge, poofy dress that would have me knocking over guests along with myself.”
She giggled at that one. “Not a problem, the dress I’ve designed will be perfect, you’ll see!”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Then off with you, little one. I’m sure you have plenty to do.”
Her eyes got impossibly brighter and she gripped me in a tight hug. “Just wait and see; it’ll be perfect! Esme, Rose! We have to get home; we have a wedding to plan.” Esme clapped her hands while Rose muttered something about not having anything to do with it. Edward glowered at his sister and she shrugged back at him before turning to follow the others home.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing, letting her loose, Bella?” Edward looked even more pale than usual, if that was possible.
“What, are you afraid of what she’ll do? Isn’t this easier than you and I picking out flowers and going cake tasting?”
He chuckled. “You’re right. It’s just her mind was whirling with possibilities and I’m afraid we’ll have a wedding to rival that of Princess Di and Prince Charles.” I can’t say that I knew what their wedding was like but I did know the idea of us having a wedding like royalty was frightening.
“But I said small!”
“Don’t worry, Bella, I’ll rein her in somehow.”
“Thank you,” I whispered fervently. He’d had years going head to head with Alice; better him than me trying to keep her controlled.
“Edward, can you take me to my truck? I really need to go talk to Jake.” I was hesitant to ask him again but I wanted to get this done and I was sure he wanted it as well.
Some of the jubilance fell off his face and his eyes tightened as he flexed his jaw but he nodded. “Can I ask you something, though?” I nodded for him to continue. “Is it okay if I wait near the border so I can meet you after you’re done, just to make sure you’re alright?”
“Of course.” He looked relieved so I decided to take the rug out from underneath him a little. “After all, we need to go tell Charlie about the wedding when I’m done.” Nerves rippled over his face but he covered them quickly.
“Yes, I guess we do. But I think Charlie might surprise you; he doesn’t hate me as much as he did.”
“We’ll see how he feels about you after our news, won’t we?”
He frowned at me and then brightened. “I’ll just ask Alice how it’s going to go!”
I poked him in the side, which meant that I bent my finger back and he barely felt anything. “You’re such a cheater.”
He smiled his devastating smile. “I just believe in getting the advantage by using whatever I have at my disposal. What’s so wrong with that?”
I remembered his little smile when he told me that Seth had been sending our conversation to the rest of the wolves. “Oh, I know you do, Edward Cullen.” His grin turned mischievous. He knew he’d been caught but he was unrepentant for now. “Let’s go, we’ll get to see that whole bullet proof thing in action all the sooner.”
He laughed and threw me on his back; taking off running as soon as I was secure. My stomach started to knot the closer we got to his house. I hated knowing what I was about to do. This was one of those few times that I wished Edward was an ordinary human so I could delay the inevitable a little longer. But no, I had to fall for the fastest vampire of the bunch and we were back at the house in no time. He gently placed me back on the ground and pushed my hair out of my face.
“Bella, I know how hard this is going to be on you. I wish I could be there with you but I understand it’s something you have to do alone. Just remember, I’ll be waiting for you right next to the boundary line.” His support meant the world to me and I leaned up to give him a soft kiss.
“I love you, Edward Cullen.”
“As I love you, Bella Swan, soon to be Cullen.” His face glowed every time he thought of that. I wished he could have such happiness all the time. Maybe once we were together forever I could bring him that. I hoped so. I pulled away and climbed into the ancient red truck that Jacob had restored for me. He put it back together much like had me all those months ago. I remembered the day that he and Billy brought it over to my house; my first day in Forks. I’d been so excited, not just because I got a car but because I realized that I had a friend in this town where I knew no one. I remembered my disappointment when he told me he went to school on the reservation. We’d managed to become best friends anyway. It hurt so much to know that I had damaged our friendship. I could only hope that someday he’d forgive me.
I waved to Edward and headed out to La Push, thoughts of all my times with Jacob flashing through my mind. I remembered the campfires on the beach; the thrill I felt riding a motorcycle next to him; all those endless days I spent in his garage watching him work on his VW Bug. Those were all good times but it wasn’t really about what we’d been doing, it was about how he’d made me feel. He’d been my sun, bringing warmth into my cold dead existence.
I pulled up outside of Jake’s old house and turned off the truck. I sat there for a few minutes trying to find the strength and the courage to go face my best friend. I dragged myself from the car and was turning to walk up to the house when Billy opened the door. He didn’t meet my eyes and I knew he knew what had happened.
“Hello, Bella.” His gravelly voice was even rougher than it usually was.
“Hi, Billy. I need to talk to Jake. Is he here?”
He just looked at me for a minute. I had to resist the urge to shuffle my feet like a five year old who’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Billy sighed. “He’s over at the beach. He said you’d be coming and that you’d know where to find him.”
“Thanks, Billy. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” I know Billy and my father had high hopes that Jake and I would fall in love and get married and give them grandchildren. Well, I’m sorry but I couldn’t fall in line and it wasn’t fair to try to make me. Billy just nodded and wheeled back into the house, closing the door quietly.
I turned and followed the path from the house to the beach. How many times had Jake and I walked this path in the year or so I’d been coming here? I couldn’t begin to count. I could even manage to walk it without stumbling, that’s how well I knew the route. I passed the lush green trees and soon found sand beneath my feet. I looked to the left and there was Jacob, sitting on the sand leaning against the large rock that had been our spot. I could see that he knew the instant I stepped on the beach, his shoulders grew tight and his hands gripped into fists on his knees. He didn’t look in my direction though; he kept his eyes on the water. His slightly shaggy hair ruffled in the light breeze. I couldn’t believe he’d been growing it out for me. There was so much I hadn’t seen.
“Jake.” He didn’t acknowledge me, just kept his almost black eyes trained on the green swells of the waves washing upon the shore. Alright, he wasn’t going to make it easy on me. I didn’t deserve to have it easy anyway. I walked over and plopped down beside him, facing the water myself. I couldn’t sit still the way he was though; I picked up handfuls of sand and watch them slip through my fingers. It felt pretty symbolic for my friendship with Jake at this moment. He was going to slip away unless I found some magic way to fix things.
I chanced a glance at his face. His eyes were tinged with red; he’d been crying. Guilt spiked within me again. I’d made the boy who stopped my tears cry his own. I am a terrible person. His face was hard; his jaw locked and his lips pressed together as if he was trying to keep himself from speaking.
“You don’t have to talk. I just want you to listen.” He cocked his head and I took that as a sign to continue. “Jake, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for so many things that I don’t even know how to apologize for all of them.”
His eyes flashed then. “Try.” It was more of a growl than a comment but it was progress so I’d take it. “I’m sorry that I don’t love you the way you love me.” He flinched as if I’d slapped him. I had to keep going. “I’m sorry that you heard the way you did. That was completely unfair and you deserved better than that.” I waited but he wasn’t going to say anything else right now. “I’m sorry that I used you. I let you put me back together and I saw what you were starting to feel but I didn’t do anything to stop you. I just let you grow closer and closer to me even though I knew I could never give you what you wanted.” His head dropped down then and I feared he was going to start crying. I didn’t think I could handle watching that.
His head snapped up and his eyes blazed into mine. “That’s all your sorry for?” Disbelief tinged his words. I cringed away from the anger in his face and voice.
“What more is there? Isn’t that enough? I was horrible to you, Jake. I kept encouraging you by running to you. I knew what you felt, though I tried to deny it to keep myself comfortable around you.”
“How about apologizing for what you’re about to do, Bella?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re going to become one of them.” Hatred tinged his words.
“I’m not sorry about that.” I’d take anything he wanted to dish out but I wasn’t going to apologize for my choice. I deserved his anger for many things, but not that.
“You’re not only choosing him; you’re choosing to become the thing that I hate the most. You’re becoming my enemy!” He was screaming now, leaning closer to me. The fist he’d been making with his right hand when I showed up shot out and punched the rock.
“Jake, your hand!” The crunching sound his hand made as it struck the stone was a familiar one. He’d broken it.
“Whatever, Bella, it’ll heal. I can’t really feel it along with everything else.”
If he wasn’t going to do anything about his hand, I would. I reached over to take it but he jerked away from me. “Don’t touch me. I wouldn’t want you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
I sighed. Clearly he was referring to our kiss. I couldn’t really apologize for that either though. I didn’t want to kiss him; I kissed him to keep him from hurting himself. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, Jacob.” That was all encompassing and he could take it however he wanted.
“You choose to be with the bloodsucker rather than me.”
“Yes.” I wasn’t going to acknowledge his derogatory term towards Edward right now. It made me mad but I was used to that term coming from him and the rest of the pack.
“Why? How can you love a monster like him?”
That I wasn’t going to stand for. “He’s not a monster, Jake. He’s a wonderful person.”
“Person? You’re stretching the word a bit, aren’t you?” He laughed harshly.
“Jake, I’ll listen to you rail on me all day but I will not listen to you insult Edward. If that’s all you’re going to do we can end this conversation right now.” Nobody made me as angry as Jake did. He had a special talent for it.
“Alright then, why do you love Edward? What can he possibly give you that I can’t?”
I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “You want me to tell you why I love him? How long do you have?”
“Nice, Bells. Dig the knife in a little bit more why don’t you?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just telling you that explaining my love for Edward is not easily done and I don’t know why you’d want to listen to it anyway. Wouldn’t that be twisting the knife even more?”
“Maybe. I’m just trying to understand you.”
“I don’t know how to explain it, Jake. But maybe I can put it into terms you’ll understand. Edward is my imprint Jake. It’s always been him for me, it always will be. I can’t live without him.”
He snorted. “You can’t really live with him either, can you? You have to die to be with him.” Disgust laced his voice.
“I don’t have to die to be with him. I choose to change to be with him, so we can have forever. It’s not something you could possibly understand.” This conversation was going off tangent in a major way. I just wanted to apologize and ask for his forgiveness, not explain my life and death choice to him.
“Of course it’s not something I could understand, Bella. No sane person could understand a choice like that!” He was shouting again, vibrating with his rage. At least he wasn’t trying to punch anything.
“I don’t know about that, Jake, a lot of people would be intrigued by the thought of immortality. And immortality combined with the person you love forever? It might tempt more people than you can imagine.”
He just stared at me as if I’d grown two heads. His jaw opened and shut several times as he tried to find a way to address me after that statement. What, I happened to think it was true. I know my choice made no sense to him but I am sure it would make sense to some people, if they were allowed to know about vampires and werewolves and whatnot. “I really don’t know what to say to you. That’s absolutely insane.”
“So I’m insane. Let’s move on.” Seriously, I was done with this aspect of the discussion.
“What is there to move on to?”
“Oh, I don’t know, how about the things I actually came here to apologize for?” Great, now I was getting sarcastic. This was productive.
“Alright then, Bells. Get to it. Unburden your mind so you can head off to your death with a clear conscience.”
I gasped. I couldn’t help it. This wasn’t the boy I’d spent countless hours with. Did he even exist anymore? Had I broken him entirely?
Jake looked at me and I swear I saw a flash of remorse before his face hardened again. My Jacob was in there, he was just buried deep underneath the anger and pain. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Jake. I never meant to hurt you. You’re the last person to deserve that.” I was crying now. I’m surprised I held off for as long as I did, the anger helped obviously.
He stared at me impassively. “Don’t apologize for not loving me.”
“What?”
“Don’t apologize for not loving me. You can’t make yourself love someone; you can’t make yourself not love someone either. I know that all too well.” His voice broke as he talked about making yourself not love someone.
“Maybe not, but I can apologize for not addressing it with you when I first realized that you had feelings for me. There was a time, when he was gone, that I thought about giving in and being with you just to make you happy. But that wouldn’t have been fair of me, and I would have hurt you eventually anyway.”
He nodded. “I guess I can be thankful for that anyway. I wouldn’t want to be more hurt than I am already.”
“I truly am sorry that I encouraged your feelings, Jake. You made me so happy and I just let myself enjoy it without considering what you were feeling. I turned a blind eye because it was easier than confronting something I couldn’t handle at the time.”
“I knew you didn’t love me the way that I did you, Bella. I think you could have loved me, eventually, if he hadn’t come back. But he did and that was it. I kept fighting because I hoped that you’d realize that having a life with me would be better than having a death with him. But you don’t get it and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t fight anymore and there’s nothing to fight for anyway.”
“I’m glad that you thought enough of me to want to fight for me, Jake. It means a lot that you care that much.” My tears had stopped flowing. His anger seemed to have seeped out of him leaving him spent. I hated that but it was better than the anger. “I really do want to apologize that you had to hear Edward’s and my conversation that way. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Neither of us realized it until it was too late.”
He laughed bitterly then. “Neither of you did? Please, Bells, we both know Count Dracula knew I would hear.” I wanted to defend Edward but I suspected that Jake was right and Edward’s smile earlier had all but confirmed it.
“Even if he did, it wasn’t something we planned. He tried to get me to stop talking so he could monitor the fight but I had to make sure he knew how I felt; just like I had to come here and make sure you knew how I felt. I couldn’t leave either of you without an explanation.”
“Well thanks for that. It’s been a real laugh.” I hoped he wouldn’t always sound so bitter.
“Jake, someday…”
He cut me off. “Don’t you start talking about someday, Bella. I don’t want to hear about what might happen for me someday.” The way he said my name; it lacked the affection he usually had in his tone. Was I no longer Bells?
“I’m just saying, we know you didn’t imprint on me so…”
“Enough!” he erupted. The anger was back now. I am an idiot. “Just because I didn’t imprint on you doesn’t mean you get to diminish my feelings. I LOVE YOU. Maybe “someday” I will find someone I love more and in a different way, but for now I love you and you don’t love me. I have to deal with that. Don’t make it out to be less just to make yourself feel better.” He actually used air quotes when he said someday. He was royally pissed at me.
“You’re right, Jake. I was not trying to diminish what you feel for me, I swear it.”
“Maybe not, but you were trying to make yourself feel better by imagining me being happy somewhere down the road, weren’t you?” Guilty as charged. The imprinting thing had been my fall back move and he’d seen right through it.
My face flushed with shame. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” That was Bella’s phrase of the day. How many times had I uttered those words today to the love of my life and now my best friend? “Will you ever forgive me?”
He looked at me then. He just sat and looked at me for what felt like hours but was probably just a minute. “I can forgive you for some things, Bella. I can forgive you for not loving me, as I said, that’s not something you could help. I can forgive you for how I heard that you didn’t love me; it wasn’t something you were aware of.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“But I can’t forgive you for the choice you’re making.” My relief was premature. “I can’t sit back and watch you become the thing I was born to hate, Bella.”
“So you’re saying that you’ll no longer be my friend?” The tears started to flow again. I suspected this would happen but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.
“You won’t be my friend anymore. You won’t be Bella.” His face was desolate. This caused him more pain than anything else I had done.
“I’m sorry you feel that way but I understand it.” I managed to choke the words out. “I guess this is goodbye then?” I didn’t want it to be. He was still the best friend that I’d ever had.
“It has to be.” His voice was so sad. He looked back toward the water for a moment before turning to face me one more time. “Goodbye, Bells. I’ll always love you.” His voice was laced with sadness and finality. It felt like I was already gone.
I couldn’t speak anymore and I couldn’t stay there. I nodded and kissed him on the cheek, a few of my tears following from my lips and continuing down his face. He didn’t even acknowledge that I did it. I stood and stumbled my way through the sand and along the path back to my truck. I climb in and threw it in drive and headed back towards Edward, towards home. I pulled over on a side road before I got to the border though. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I rested my head against the steering wheel and cried for the loss of my best friend and for the pain I’d caused him.
After awhile the tears stopped flowing and I leaned back in the seat. I looked in the rearview mirror and wiped my face as best I could. Edward would know I’d been crying but he would have expected that anyway. I wasn’t going to let him see me cry over Jake though; he’d been hurt enough too. All I’d done lately was hurt the ones I loved and that was stopping here and now. I put the car back in drive and headed to where he was waiting for me.
There he was, pacing back and forth in front of a few trees. He was almost a blur he was moving so quickly. I stopped the truck and slid out and ran over to him. He stopped and threw his arms around me.
“Bella, I was so worried about you. I hated knowing you were hurting and I couldn’t be there.” He tilted my face back and looked into my eyes. “Are you alright?” His fingers tenderly stroked my cheeks, as if to wipe off the tears that had recently been there.
“I will be.” And I would. I knew, despite all the pain, that I had made the right choice. I had to be with him. He kissed me gently and pulled back, running his hands down my arms to link his fingers with mine. He lifted my hand to kiss it and then stopped abruptly.
“Edward? What’s the matter?”
He looked up and his eyes looked deadly. “He injured you?”
“What? No, he didn’t injure me.” What was he talking about?
“He put his hands on you?” He spoke through gritted teeth.
“No, Edward, he didn’t touch me. He punched a rock and probably broke his hand but…”
“Then where did these marks come from on your wrists, Bella?” His voice shook with rage and he looked into the distance, like he was ready to run into La Push and go after Jacob. I glanced at my wrists and then remembered. Oh no. Telling him wasn’t going to make things any easier but I couldn’t have him breaking the treaty and going into La Push, which was just what he’d do in a minute.
“Edward, Jacob didn’t do that to me. You did.”
[…] https://nolebucgrl.wordpress.com/fanfiction/sacrificial-lamb-chapter-6/ […]
I really, really like how this chapter turned out. Though it’s little blurry in my head for having read both versions, not that much changed and you handled Jacob beautifully. I remember being worried that you would let your distaste for him shine through but since he wont be a big part of this story, I appreciate the fact that you took the time to give him a dignified exit. And every other good thing I’ve said so far still applies.
Thanks so much, I was really pleased with how it came out myself. Before I started the story I had no idea that I could feel or show sympathy for Jacob like that. A part of me still dislikes him but I am also very aware of Bella’s culpability in the situation. I can’t blame him for loving her any more than I can blame her for not loving him (at least in my correct version! hehe)
That was great! And even though you know I’m not the biggest Jacob fan, I still think it was awesome how that all played out. Again, you know the characters and everything played out as it should have. I’ll even forgive the crying from Bella. I guess anyone would cry over the loss of their best friend 😉 So I guess her first sacrifice for wanting to become a vampire has been made. Much more realistic….imo. Great job.
I hope you are feeling better !!
I’m so glad you liked it! I was rather surprised at how it turned out myself actually. I didn’t know I was going to give Jake the opportunity to speak like that myself. Before I started I kinda figured I’d just leave him broken but instead I ended up letting him have dignity and understanding. At least that’s how it felt to me. And I really and truly thought it worked, so I’m glad you agree with me. I have been excited about you guys reading this chapter since I wrote it!
Yes, the first sacrifice is made! Others are coming, but I had to strike the first blow early!
I am feeling a lot better, thanks. Working today although my focus is not quite what it should be. I’m still somewhat tired but I feel functional which is a huge improvement! Thanks!
I, too am impressed by how you handles the situation with Jacob. It really felt like what should have happened almost. It was tragic and appropriate. I wish Bella in the books could be that mature! BUT I know, she’s a 17 year old girl!
Good job! I hope everything is going well, feels like we haven’t heard from you in a while!
I know, I’ve been bad! I’m actually planning on posting chapter 7 today. After my illness, my writing mojo seemed to go away for awhile. But I am pretty sure it’s back, I’ve been thinking of the next few chapters quite a bit so I just have to write them. It’ll be up soon.
I’m glad you liked how I handled Jake. I admit that as I wrote it I was surprised it went that way, but I’m glad that it did. I felt it worked. Bella is almost 19 by this time and she’s made up her mind to get married and give up her life so I feel it’s time for her to mature a little!