Sacrificial Lamb Chapter 18
BPOV
The next couple of weeks flew by. I spent most of my evenings with Charlie, cooking for him and watching the Mariners on TV. We didn’t exactly chat up a storm but we just enjoyed being with one another. Both of us knew that our time together was limited; I was more aware of just how limited. I had several attacks of guilt knowing what grief I would be bringing him in the near future. Letting me go was going to be very hard on him; hearing I’d died might just kill him. I took some solace in the fact that Billy and Jake would be there for him.
The day before I left I decided to write letters to the three men that had been such an integral part of my life. I knew Jake and Billy probably wouldn’t care to hear from me but I had to reach out one last time.
Dear Jacob,
I know that I’m the last person you want to hear from right now and I hope that you can forgive me, yet again, for pushing myself back into your life. I promise it will be the last time. I really just wanted to take the chance to tell you again what your friendship meant to me. You got me through the darkest period of my life and for that I will always be thankful. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you what you deserved but I know that someday you will find a girl that will be everything you wanted and more. And she’ll be able to give you her whole heart in a way that I never could have, in the way that you deserve. You of all people should never have to settle for second best.
I have no right to ask anything of you, I’m well aware of that. I know you don’t approve of what I’m planning to do and how I’ll be living my life but I’m going to ask anyway. Not for me and not for old time’s sake, but for Charlie. I know you love him and I know he loves you. Losing me is going to be hard on him and I just want to know that you’ll be there to help him. Ha, I can picture the angry expression on your face right now. I know you will be there and would be without my asking but it just makes me feel better to get it out there anyway. I miss talking to my best friend.
Sorry, this wasn’t meant to be a letter to try to make you feel guilty for not talking to me. If the situation were reversed I imagine I’d be doing the same. Really I just wanted to ask you to look after my father and to let you know that I’ll always remember you. You’ll always be my best friend and I’ll always love you. Our friendship crosses enemy lines, time and space. I’ve been writing down everything I want to remember about my life and you and our time at La Push feature prominently. Anytime I see the sun I’ll smile thinking of my own personal sun, for that’s what you always will be to me.
Take care, Jacob. I wish you the happiest of lives and hope that one day you’ll forgive me for all that I’ve done and that which I will do. Be strong for Charlie and Billy and stand strong against them, I know they’ll be grumping at you for years to come. May you always find the perfect wave, the car parts you need and the peace you feel while running with your pack. I’ll be thinking of you.
Love always,
Bells
Dear Billy,
I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you are aware of the future I’ve chosen and that you don’t agree with it and I don’t write this to change your mind. I really am just writing to say thank you. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for taking me into your home, questions unasked, when I was alone and a shell of a person. Thank you for caring about me and protecting me. Your kindness cannot be measured.
Mostly, thank you for that which you have not yet done but most definitely will. Thank you for taking care of Charlie after I’m gone. You’ve been his best friend for longer than I’ve been alive and I know you’ll always be there for him. You and Jake have been Charlie’s family for ages and I know you’ll continue to be so. I thank you for that. I know he’s going to need you when I’m gone, more than ever, and I take great comfort in the fact that he has you both.
I want you to know that I’ll always consider you to be part of my family. I know maybe it’s not the family that you were hoping we would be but I’ve still always considered you to be like a father. I’m sorry that I hurt Jacob the way I did and I don’t blame you if you can never forgive me for that. You’re a wonderful father to him and I’m quite glad that he has you to help him with any hurt I’ve caused. Know that I never wanted to cause him pain; nobody deserves it less than he does.
Watch out for the two of them, Billy. Your quiet strength will help get them through the added pain I know I’m going to cause them. I hate myself for that; I really do. I won’t attempt to explain my choice to you; I just know it’s the right one for me even if it makes me selfish for hurting them. Take care of them and take care of you; I love you all very much and want you to be happy. You’re a family, Billy, that’s what you are and that’s what you’ll always be. I am glad you’ll all have each other. Thank you for all you’ve done and all you will do.
Love,
Bella
Dear Dad,
I thought I’d write you a letter because Lord knows the two of us don’t really do a great job of expressing ourselves verbally. Not that I mind that, we have a great relationship that doesn’t rely on words to show how we feel. It’ll be a long time until we can sit down and just be together again so I thought maybe I’d get down on paper what I never really say in words.
I love you, Dad. I always have and I always will. I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with you growing up; that was not your fault so don’t ever feel bad about that. I had a good life with mom and I wouldn’t give that up but if I could go back I’d make sure we had more time together, even if we had to spend it fishing. Are you laughing yet, Dad? Yes, I said fishing!
I will always be thankful that I came to live with you two years ago. No, not just because I met Edward but because I got to be with you. I know I didn’t make it easy on you, Dad. I know it tore you up inside when it seemed I was lost to the world but you stood by me until I was myself again. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it was on you to see me like that, but know that I got through it because of you and Jake and Billy. Thank you for bringing them into my life, I always wanted a bigger family and though it was kind of unorthodox I definitely got one.
You always stood by me even when you didn’t agree with my choices and I thank you for that. Giving me the freedom to choose my own path has made me into a stronger person. I know I’ve taken a different path than most kids my age but I know it’s the right one for me and I thank you for believing in me enough to respect that.
It has to be hard on you to feel like you got me back in your life only to lose me again but know that is not the case. No matter where I go and what I do; I will always be with you. You will always be my father and I will always be your little girl, no matter how long I live. I may be on the other side of the country but a big part of my heart will always be in Forks, with you.
Do me a favor and try to eat a home cooked meal now and then; I’m sure Sue Clearwater or some of the other single ladies about town would be more than happy to look after the handsome police chief. I am going to have to ban you from using the microwave; you’ll no doubt blow up the house if you attempt to nuke anything again. When in doubt, go to the diner, and have a salad now and then will you? You see how well I know you, Dad? You’re probably eating a pizza and drinking a beer as you read this, aren’t you? Four food groups, remember there are four and one of them is vegetables (pizza toppings do not count).
I’ll cut this short because I know by now I’m embarrassing you. You’re probably blushing just like I am writing this but I really did want to tell you how glad I am that I came to live with you and how much I love you. Take good care of yourself, you’re the only Dad I’ve got and I want you to be around for a long time. I’ll miss you and call you as often as I can.
Love always,
Bella
Tears poured down my face as I finished the letter to Charlie and sealed it. I put it in a separate spot from Jake’s and Billy’s; theirs were going in the mail tomorrow. I felt a cool hand rest on my neck and I closed my eyes and leaned into Edward’s palm.
“Baby, are you alright?”
I nodded because I really couldn’t form the words. Edward knew what I needed and he scooped me up from the desk and carried me over to the bed, holding me in his arms and letting me cry until there were no more tears to be had. I buried my face in his neck and inhaled that wonderful scent that was pure Edward. As always, his smell, his touch and his taste against my lips served to calm me.
“Thanks, I’m alright now.” His cool thumb moved over my cheek, wiping away the last of the hot tears.
“Are you sure, Bella? What were you writing that had you so upset?”
“Letters to Jake, Billy and my father. I just wanted to give them all a proper goodbye and I wanted to tell them all to care for one another. It’s going to be so hard for them when I’m gone…I just need to know that they’ll be there for each other.”
“Well of course they will, Bella, they’re family. That’s what family does.” I smiled a little at Edward calling them a family just as I had.
“I know. I seem to attract strange family units.” He grinned and chucked me under the chin.
“None stranger than this one, that’s for sure.” The smile slipped off his face and he looked deeply into my eyes. I found myself almost being hypnotized by that golden gaze and had to shake my head to clear it. “You know that this does not have to be goodbye, not for you and Charlie. There’s no rush, Bella. We can go to New Hampshire, settle in, go to some classes, live a little and come back for the holidays…”
I cut him off before he could get a full head of steam going. “Edward, I know, we’ve been over this hundreds of times. I don’t want to delay the next phase of my life. You do realize that I would be crying just like this if I was a regular college kid going across the country for school, don’t you?” He shook his head at that one. “I’d still be saying goodbye to my family and going off on a scary adventure where I knew nobody. I’d be terrified. That’s one of the nice things about this, I’m not terrified. I have you and the rest of our family to be there with me. I’m happy to be starting this next life with all of you.”
He smiled softly and ran his hand through my hair. “Just promise me this, give us a little time to settle into New Hampshire and live life a little bit before we change you. I want you to be absolutely sure when we do it, there’s no taking it back.”
“Alright, I promise, but…”
“No buts, I know you’re going to say that your mind is made up and I do believe that, but waiting a month is not going to be a big deal, especially not when you’re talking about having forever ahead.”
“Okay, but…” He silenced me with a kiss this time. Whatever I had been going to say was lost in the feel of his lips against mine. He pushed me down onto the golden comforter and started kissing me with a passion.
“Enough talking, I’d like to make love to my wife one last time before we leave. Two days on the road that I won’t be able to touch you is two days too many.” He had a point. I pressed into him as he gently removed my clothes and his. He made love to me like he had the first time, slow and gentle. Leaving, letters and loss melted away as love took over.
I woke to the sound of something crashing and Alice screeching at Emmett over some mirror he dropped. That confused me as vampires didn’t tend to drop anything. Edward was lying next to me shaking with laughter. I poked him in his hard side and asked what was going on.
“Alice has been bossing everyone around all morning; she wants the truck arranged perfectly. Em got annoyed with her and “accidentally” dropped her favorite mirror. It’s an antique Queen Anne piece, she’s not too happy.”
“And she knows he did it on purpose, right? How come she didn’t see it and stop him?”
“He didn’t actively decide to do it until he did it. She knew he was plotting to get her but she didn’t know how.” He laughed as Alice kept berating Emmett for acting like a child. “She’s already plotting some revenge of her own. Emmett’s going to be very sorry.” I wanted to ask what she had planned but I knew Edward couldn’t tell me or Emmett would overhear. Shaking my head I got up and got ready for the trek across country to New Hampshire.
“I’m really going to be putting a crimp in your style on this trip, aren’t I?”
Edward stuck his head into the bathroom and regarded me as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. “What do you mean?”
“I mean all the stops you’ll have to make for the human. You guys could probably get there in a day if you didn’t have me along.”
He placed a soft kiss on my neck. “Maybe, but this way we’ll get to take our time, see the country and enjoy the trip. Usually we speed past everything. I look forward to seeing the country with you, truly.”
“Our first family road trip. It’s going to be interesting.”
He laughed. “You don’t know the half of it. Em & Jasper will make bets to keep each other occupied. I have no idea what they’ll do but I know they’re both already plotting and planning.” Oh Lord, I was getting nervous now.
“Bella, Edward, let’s get a move on! You have to get to Charlie’s so we can be on the road in an hour.”
I turned to Edward. “Alice has spoken, we better get a move on, I’d rather her be irritated with Emmett than have her start on us.”
“Wise choice my love.”
We made the quick drive to Charlie’s, Edward following behind me in the Volvo. I had to return my truck to my father, it would not survive the move across country and even if it would, I’d be left in Cullen dust as I tried to keep up with them. Family of speed demons. I’d miss my truck, it felt like such a symbol of my life in Forks. It wasn’t the prettiest car by far but it was strong and reliable and still standing. I fought back the tears as I pulled into the driveway. I ran my hand over the dashboard and whispered a goodbye to the truck. Maybe that was silly but it was a gift from Charlie and it was part of me.
I slipped out of the truck and turned to look at my house. I walked over and put my hand on the tree that was closest to my bedroom; the tree that Edward had used night after night to get into my room. He came over and stood next to me. “This tree feels like an old friend.” He ran his hand over the bark. I heard a noise and looked to see what he was doing. The initials EC & BC had appeared under his fingernails. I tilted my head at him and he smiled. “Just feels like we should mark it as a memento.”
He was right, it was perfect. I gave him a kiss and turned to face the front porch. The door opened and my father stepped out, looking stoic. I knew that was a self defense, he was trying to keep his emotions in check. I couldn’t keep mine in check though, not when I knew this would be the last time that I saw him. I ran up the porch and threw my arms around his neck.
“Bells?” He sounded surprised but his arms curled around me and his face buried in my hair. “Are you alright?” I pulled back and noticed him glaring in Edward’s direction. I laughed that his first instinct was to defend me. He and my husband were more alike than they knew.
“I’m fine, Dad, I’m just going to miss you.”
His face softened a bit at that and he pulled me back into him. “I’ll miss you too, Bells. But you’re just going to school. I expect to see you back here on holidays.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat and just nodded into his chest. I couldn’t look at him and lie and say I’d be back. “Hey, no crying, Bells.” Charlie’s voice got gruff, he couldn’t handle tears.
I brushed them away impatiently and gave him a tremulous smile. “We brought the truck back; I don’t think she’s up to the trip.”
“Oh there are a lot more miles in her, Bells, but I can see why going 55 the whole way wouldn’t appeal to you and the Cullen’s with all their fancy cars.” He grinned at the image and I laughed.
“Yeah I don’t see Emmett and Edward enjoying that too much.”
“If you would have let me give you your new car here instead of there you would get to experience the open road Cullen style. You are one now you know.” Edward had to interject, somewhat injured that we were making fun of their cars.
Charlie put an arm over my shoulders. “She may be a Cullen by marriage but she’ll always be a Swan at heart. Pick-up trucks and flannel shirts, just part of the package.”
I grinned. “Don’t worry, Dad, that won’t ever change.”
“I know, Bells.” He turned to Edward and put out his right hand. “Take good care of her son. I’m trusting you to do right by her and watch out for her. I trust you with my girl.”
Edward grasped his hand. “That’s the greatest gift you could ever give me, Charlie. I promise to always take care of her.”
“Good.” Charlie turned back to me. “You go and have a good time at school, Bella. My daughter at Dartmouth, I’m so proud.”
I burrowed against his chest again and breathed in the scent of flannel and denim that seemed to be my father’s signature. “I love you Dad, always.”
“Love you too, Bells. Now hit the road, I’m sure Alice is waiting.” I laughed through my tears because he knew her so well. “You tell the Cullen’s I said goodbye and thank them for looking out for you. Call me when you get there.”
“I will.” I handed him the letter I’d written. “Don’t read this until after I’m gone, it’s sappy.” He blushed. “I’ll miss you, Dad. Take care, okay?” I choked out the last word, the tears were falling fast now and I could tell Charlie was getting uncomfortable. He patted me on the back and shifted around nervously.
“Will do, Bells. You too. Now you get going, kids. Drive safely.” He said the last part to Edward.
“I promise, Charlie.” I gave him one more squeeze and pulled away. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and led me back to the car; I kept my head turned and my eyes on my father, committing him to memory. He lifted his hand in a wave and I waved back. I impatiently wiped at my face so I could see him clearly and say goodbye to the first place that had ever truly felt like home. I watched Charlie until he was out of eyesight.
I felt Edward’s hand curl over mine and turned to face him. Only he could make me feel better, he was home now. The concern was all over his face so I gave him a smile and squeezed his hand. “Come on; let’s go make a new home.”
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