EPOV
I had known worse pain. I could never experience more pain than I had when I thought that Bella was dead. I truly became the living dead in that moment; all my thoughts were consumed with agony for those few short days. I longed for the sweet release of death so that maybe, if Carlisle was right, I could join her for eternity that way. I couldn’t live in a world without Bella so I sought my own destruction. As always, she saved me though. She found me before I could go through with my plan to provoke the Volturi and she made my life complete again. I just had to remind myself that I had known worse pain.
Still, seeing her through Jacob’s eyes as his lips pressed against hers was torture. If my heart was still beating it would have stopped in that moment when she asked him to kiss her. I wanted to shut off my brain, I didn’t want to see it through his mind’s eye but I couldn’t look away. I watched Bella’s face as his lips bent toward hers. Did she seem excited? Did she seem anxious to feel him? Was she looking at him with love? I was going to drive myself crazy wondering these things but her silent mind was really haunting me now. I had to look. I knew her expressions so well; I had to read her face to see if I could find out what was going on in her head.
She closed her depthless chocolate brown eyes, cutting off my view into her soul. I didn’t know if I should be angry or grateful that the dog kept his eyes open. His hands gripped her shoulders tightly and he yanked her to him with an unrestrained power that both infuriated me and filled me with envy. I longed to take her that way, to put all of my love and passion for her into a kiss knowing that I would never hurt her. Like I had a million times before, I cursed my very existence. Most vampires view their strength and power as something that makes them more, something that makes them better. I know what a handicap it really is.
Seth lets out a low whine outside of the tent. Though he can’t see what’s happening, his keen hearing let him know what was going on. Seth is such a good hearted guy. He knows that Jake loves Bella and he’s happy for him but he also likes me and knows what I’m seeing and hearing. His thoughts momentarily distracted me from Jake’s, which was a good thing as he was now envisioning MY Bella with nothing on and him writhing around on top of her. Fury spiked and I wanted nothing more than to burst out of the tent and go rip the dog in half. Did I really used to think it was horrible witnessing that vile Newton’s little fantasies about Bella? I nearly laughed as I remembered my urge to smash his face into his desk in biology. I thought about all the times that I wanted to smack him or Tyler Crowley through the wall. What a fool I was. Their harmless thoughts were nothing, nothing compared to Jacob Black’s. Though they were similar, they were nothing alike because I knew that Bella wanted nothing to do with either of those insignificant little humans. Therein lies the problem…I don’t know if she truly wants Jacob Black.
I know she loves him. His absence from her life upon my return to Forks had hurt her deeply. Hurt her to the point that she continued to put herself at risk to go see him. I couldn’t fault her for caring about him. He was there when I wasn’t. He took care of her when I didn’t. He comforted her when I hurt her. He put her back together after I tore her apart. I would never, ever be able to make up for what I did to her when I left. I would never stop hating myself for doing it. And I could never hurt or kill Jacob because he did take care of her. I couldn’t even make myself hate him. If she picked him, if she came to me now and told me that she was going to be with him, I wouldn’t go kill him and reclaim her as mine. She would hate me then and I couldn’t live with myself if she hated me. I didn’t know how I would live with myself if she left me for him, but I knew that if she could find happiness with someone else, I wouldn’t begrudge either one of them that.
Cursed vampire mind, I could think all these chaotic and painful thoughts while still listening to Jacob’s and seeing Bella through his mind’s eye. His eyes were open, searching her face to see if he could find her love reflected back upon him. I looked as well but I didn’t see the look on her face that she got when she gazed upon me. God she was beautiful. I wish she would open her eyes so I could see what she was thinking. Her face was almost blank. Her eyes shut tightly. I watched as one of Jacob’s hands strayed from her shoulder up to her hair, pulling her face tighter to him as he continued to mash his lips to hers.
Anger spiked again. That was MY girl. I was the one who ran my fingers through her hair. She loved it when I did that. I spent every single night combing my fingers through her hair when she slept, humming her lullaby and looking at that beautiful face. Running my cold fingers over her soft cheek and watching a faint blush steal over it, even in sleep. Listening to her sweet voice call my name as she dreamt about me. I could not lose her. I would not lose her.
If she told me to let her go, I would, but I wasn’t going to let her go forever. That damn dog would hurt her someday, I know he would. He hadn’t imprinted on her and though he was so sure that he loved her, I knew that one day he might look at a girl and find his true soul mate. Then he would rip Bella’s heart out and leave her, just like Sam had done to Leah. I would not sit by and do nothing if that happened. It didn’t matter to me if it happened in a week, a month, a year or a decade. I would be there for her. Even if she never wanted me again, I would be there as a friend and a confidant. I had sworn I would never leave her again and I wouldn’t, even though watching her with him day in and day out would surely crush me.
Still, if she was happy I could deal with it. I could handle anything so long as she was smiling and living a life that fulfilled her. I could never give her anything more than my love. If she wanted to live a normal existence with the dog, I would sit by and watch her enjoy it. Her happiness was my number one priority.
Jake finally started to pull back from Bella and I breathed a sigh of relief that that torture was over. There might be more to come but sitting through this, not knowing what she was thinking and feeling was too much. I needed to stop wondering and to know. Her silent thoughts, usually fascinating, were nothing but torment to me right now. I watched as her eyes slowly opened. What was that look in them? I don’t know if I’ve seen that one before.
I let out the breath that I’d been unknowingly holding while I watched the scene unfold in Jacob’s mind. She was not looking at him with love, not like the way she looks at me. God, was there still hope? Was she still mine? I watch as something flashes across her face. It looks like pain. What does that mean? Did he hurt her while he was devouring her face? If he hurt her, I could at least hurt him a little, right? I wouldn’t kill him, but I could rip a limb off. I smiled to myself as that image played through my mind. I knew it was momentary satisfaction but I couldn’t help but like the image of Jacob yelping as he ran around on 3 legs. Ah to dream!
Focus, Edward. You can fantasize about maiming Jacob at any other time, this is too important. Your entire existence is on the line right now and you need to stop thinking about legless Jacob. He doesn’t matter. All that matters in the world is that beautiful angel looking at the dog incomprehensibly. What is she thinking? I am going to go mad if I don’t find out soon.
“Gotta go, Bells! We’ll talk about this later but right now I have some bloodsucker butt to go kick!” Bloodsucker butt indeed, Jacob. You’re lucky they’re just newborns. He is such a child, really. So overconfident and cocky about his wolf strength. He truly doesn’t know what any one of us could do to him without half trying. He couldn’t take on a full grown vampire alone. I know their whole pack took down Laurent but they needed six of them to do it. One, even two wolves would not really be a match for us.
“Jacob…” There was my girl’s voice but she didn’t sound right. I could hear the pain in that one word. She sounded as if she’d lost her best friend. Had she? He was her best friend. Was it wrong for me to hope that this kissing thing had backfired upon him and made her see that the friendship she perceived to have with him was not as she thought it? How could I root for something that would cause her immeasurable pain? Am I really selfish enough to take pleasure in the thought of him being out of her life?
I thought about that for a few moments. I didn’t want her to hurt but I knew that Jacob would be a thorn in our side for a long time if he stuck around. I can’t be her everything but she still has Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Esme and Carlisle. I’m not sure if Rose will ever be a friend to her, but the others all already love Bella. I know losing him would leave a hole in her heart, I would never ask her to give him up. I tried to keep them apart and all that got me was her sneaking off and giving me panic attacks. If seeing him made her happy, I would step back and let her see him.
Getting ahead of ourselves, aren’t we Edward? I still don’t know what that look on her face means and I still have no idea what she’s going to say to me. I can’t even begin to allow myself to dream that she’s not only chosen me but that she’s going to forsake him. She wouldn’t hurt him that way and I wouldn’t ask her to. I owe him; I must remember always that I owe him.
“No time, Bells, the newborns will be here soon and I’ve got to go phase. See you later!” He flashed her some big smile and gave her another quick kiss before running off into the forest. I could hear his euphoric mind as he phased. His mind was shouting over and over that she was his. That did it. My fists clenched and I let out a deep guttural growl. Seth let out a small whine outside of the tent and I tried to reign in my temper. I picked up an empty thermos of water that I’d brought for Bella and crushed it in one hand. If only this were Jacob’s head…
Dammit, Edward, calm down. She’ll be here in a minute and I can’t let her see the rage. The last thing on earth I ever want to do is scare her. That was never acceptable. Breathe slowly and focus on something else. Think of Bella’s smile, of the light in those chocolate brown eyes when she looks at you. Think of her intoxicating scent, the scent that brought me nearly to madness and then brought me a strength that I’ve never known. It worked. Thoughts of Bella always worked to calm my nerves and bring me peace.
I listened to the sound of her footsteps. She was walking at a turtle’s pace and this time I don’t think it was fear of falling that was making her be so cautious. She was afraid to face me. It killed me that she would feel that way. No matter what she had to say, I had to vow not to make it hard on her. I would listen and I would take it calmly, even if she told me we were over. I would never let her see the pain it would cause me if she were to let me go. I would do that for her, for to cause her pain or guilt over my pain was unimaginable. I would be strong for her.
Hmm, interesting. The packs reactions to Jacob’s memory of kissing Bella were rather mixed. Quil and Embry were happy for their friend. That made sense; they were the closest to Jacob and would want him to get what he wanted. Paul boiled with rage at the thought of sloppy vampire seconds. That one made me angry and I bit back another growl. Leah’s mind was its usual mass of jealousy and anger; she resented the idea of Jacob being happy when she was suffering. Nothing new there. Sam, though, Sam’s thoughts were worried. He worried that Jacob read the situation wrong; he thought if Bella did leave me for Jacob that our pact might end and we might all go to war. I guess a leader had to worry about things like that and plan ahead.
Listening to them didn’t make any less aware of Bella’s approach. I could hear her tentative footsteps contrasting with the sound of her pounding heart. It was faster than usual, she was nervous. So was I. I’ve never felt so out of control in over a hundred years since this girl came into my life. She’s made me into an entirely new being and thrown me into chaos. But it’s a good chaos and I never want to let it go. Please tell me that I don’t have to let it go.
She’s here. I hear her pause outside of the tent and take a deep breath before she steps inside. I steady myself and take a breath of my own. I have to be strong for her. I settle my face into a smooth mask and await the words that will either destroy my life or bring me eternal peace.
Oh the anticipation! There is something to be said about waiting til the fanfic is done to read it…
What I thought:
Sounds realistic and like the Edward we all know and love, I like it so far! I naturally like the EPOV better then the BPOV, but thats true for pretty much everything, right? I have read Midnight Sun many, many times!
Excited to see the rest, keep up the good work!
Hee, well I have no idea how many chapters this story is going to take so if you waited til it was done, you’d probably be waiting a long time. I wish I’d started it at the beginning of summer instead of a month or before my shows come back, but it is what it is. I have a lot I want to do, I have a lot thought out so it’s just a matter of getting it down on paper. I love that you’re interested and anticipating though!
I like EPOV better as well. I feel like I write for him much more easily than I do Bella. I just get him. If I ever do another story I might just go straight through him instead but this one kind of had to be told this way. Rather than just do her view though at least I’m including his. The first 4 chapters are going to be the same structure, then remaining chapters are going to be told by whomever makes the most sense in the moment. I won’t keep repeating myself but I felt in the beginning I really needed to establish where they both were mentally and emotionally.
You certainly know your Edward and it shows in your text. It flows differently, but don’t give up on Bella just yet. This is your chance to connect with her and the more difficult it is in the beginning, the more rewarding it will be once you’ve finally made her character yours and the writing for her will be as easy as it is with Edward now.
As for waiting until the text is finished. I could never do that. I’m too anxious to post it, if I weren’t I doubt I’d ever write or post anything. And if I really wanted to read a finished product, I’d buy a book. 😉
I agree with Lady, you have done a great job writing Edward realistically. Those thoughts are very in character as we know him to be. He was always so accepting of letting her decide if she wanted a life with him or not. He was so willing to put aside his own happiness for hers. But really, secretly, I just want him to be angry with her. Because I am. And maybe I’m not reacting to the kiss so much from Eclipse as I am from the whole night of sobbing over Jacob. When reading that, I literally wanted to throw my book against the wall. I was so angry at Bella and I wanted Edward to be as well. But, that is nether here nor there when it comes to your story. Sorry for the rant. Seeing as your Bella didn’t get any enjoyment from the kiss, there really isn’t much for Edward to be angry about. I can’t wait to see what she says to him! This is a great start Nole!!!
Rameau, there’s no way I could wait. I could barely refrain from posting chapter 2 the instant you guys were done with looking it over for me! I’m very anxious for the reception of chapter 4 now (notice we’re talking the Edward chapters, hehe). But I have to stock up because while it’s flowing well right now I’m sure it’ll slow up once I’ve gotten the initial scenes I’ve been imagining out. Then it’ll be tougher! I do hope that I’ll feel Bella more as I go, she was easier to write in chapter 3, so maybe it will indeed get better.
AGO, I’m very very glad you approve of my Edward. As a fellow Edward lover, it’s important to me to please the Edward faction first and foremost. I need him to be as real to you guys as he is to me when I’m writing him. I understand your desire for him to be angry with her because we are. I know I am. But I truly believe that he wouldn’t be. It’s not how he sees her and it’s not how he’d ever react to her. He’ll turn the anger upon himself for causing the situation and on Jacob for taking advantage of her needing a friend.
Keep in mind, I have NO intention of having her cry all night over Jacob. That is not happening in this fic. Jacob will be dealt with and out of the way by the end of chapter 5, maybe a little spill over to chapter 6 if I feel the need to have Edward address any of it. I think the next chapter will give you an idea of what I’m doing when it comes to him and maybe some anger will be abated. Believe me, I joked with Tripp about the idea of just killing Jacob off but that would make him some kind of martyr which I’m not willing to do. The title of the story is a reflection of what I plan here and in my mind, sacrifice #1 is going to be Jacob. No more straddling the two different worlds, her choice is made and she needs to live it.
Hopefully that clears up where I’m headed, hehe. I’m spoiling my own story again but I can’t help myself!
You are right. Edward would never be mad at Bella, he would always turn that anger onto himself. I think that is part of the reason all of us Edward lovers feel for him and love him so much.
Thank you so much for not including the all night cry fest!!! I love you for that. Killing off Jacob does sound nice, but I totally get you not wanting to martyr him. Good call. Sounds like you are going to be packing his bags and sending him back to his wolf pack where he belongs! Can’t wait to see that play out. I’m looking forward to your posts!! And feel free to spoil me anytime.
Haha, yes, in a perfect world he would get angry at her but since I’m trying to write the Edward that we saw in the books, that’s how it had to go. I’m glad you agree that that’s more in character.
Yeah, Jake is only a part of the story in the beginning, we won’t be inflicted with him much longer. He’s only there to repair the damage that was done in Eclipse!
I am again feeling sad for Jacob… NOT that I think he belongs with Bella or she should have chosen him, oh no, no, no. But it just seems like everyone hates Jacob and blames him, when it’s in my opinion really more Bella’s fault. Jacob is a 16 year old kid minding his own business when Bella decides to get all cosy with him and act in a confusing manner (to put it nicely) then drop him the second her “better boyfriend” comes back? I’d be pissed too.
Sorry, not what this story is about, still reeling from New Moon, more then a year later…
I’m so glad your Bella is taking responsibility for something she should have taken responsibility for a long time ago. And I agree, I wish Edward would get at least a LITTLE pissed at her. But Nole, you’re right, it’s just not in his nature, *sigh*…
I know I’m irrational in my Jacob hate. I freely admit it. I blame Jacob for SM’s bad writing choice, hehe. If she’d had left the kiss and “I love you” stuff out of it, I probably would have been alright. Still not thrilled with him by any means, but alright just the same.
The truth of the matter is I just find Jake annoying. He’s just in the way of what I want all the time. He’s probably acting his age then but I find it irritating. I don’t know how to explain it. hehe
I do agree, though, that Bella is and always was the main issue. Before Edward even came back she should have manned up and told Jacob there’d never be anything between them. It wouldn’t have been fair for her to actually get with him when she knew he loved her and that she loved someone else. Had they gone that route I never would have continued reading the series because I would have hated her irreparably. I can’t respect a character who uses someone that way.
I feel like a spoiled little kid throwing a tantrum … What happens next?! I’m an American and I demand instant gratification, damn it!
Do you have any idea as to how far you intend to take this alternate storyline? Bella’s “love” for Jacob becomes a pretty big part of the story from this point on, so what all changes when you take that element away? Do the same perilous events that we know from Breaking Dawn even occur? Does Renesmee ever exist for Jacob to even imprint on? After all, slight timing changes could obviously effect conception. If she doesn’t, does the poor guy spend his life in sorrow? He was a pushy bastard, granted, but I don’t think I necessarily want him miserable (or worse, with Leah). 😛
Don’t worry, I don’t actually expect spoilers and I guess I’ll just have to wait like everyone else. *Sulk*
RileyKay, I’m thrilled that you want to know so bad! I’ll try to answer some of your questions without overly spoiling the entire storyline. I recommend you read my Breaking Down Breaking Dawn blog to get a general idea of the issues I’m trying to address here. The main thing that bothered me was that Bella didn’t have to sacrifice anything to become a vampire. She got to keep her best friend and her dad. She got to be a mother. She didn’t have to deal with bloodlust and killing a human. I have no problem with her getting a happy ending; I can promise you she’ll get one here as well. But along the way there has to be some sacrifice on her part. I hate the whole having your cake and eating it too thing, because if I had cake, I would be eating it. But that’s the saying that’s most fitting so I’ll say it anyway.
Jacob is not going to be a big part of my story from here on out. I am writing Chapter 5 right now and I’m not sure if it’s his last chapter for awhile or if he’ll appear in 6 too. Depends on how long I need him around. After that, he’s gone for quite awhile. You will find out his situation at some point and I promise I’m not going to make him a morose miser sitting in a rocking chair with a big beer belly staring at picture of the girl he lost. He’ll find his own happiness. It won’t be with Bella’s baby either as I have no intention of going there.
I felt that Renesmee existed solely to make up for the mistakes SM made with Jacob/Bella. I know she claims that not to be true but that’s the way it seemed to me. And she was used as a bridge to make everything fine between Bella and Rose as well. I’d rather make Bella & Rose come to terms in another way, or not come to terms at all. Having a little tension in the Cullen household can only lead to interesting things, right? I can’t say for sure how that will turn out because I haven’t even decided yet.
I have found a different way to make conflict and I’m pretty excited about it. I think it’s going to work. A lot of what I write will parallel Breaking Dawn, up until the pregnancy anyway. I have no idea how long this story is going to be but I suspect it’ll be pretty long. Hopefully ya’ll will stick with me through it. If it starts to go off the rails and suck royally I want you all to tell me and I’ll fix it or end it depending on the level of suckitude. I’m reliant upon you all!
OH! I so agree about Renesmee! Like throwing Jacob a “bone”, haha, seemed like an after thought. It was so weird and disconnected from the other 3 books, almost seemed like someone else wrote it. I enjoyed the beginning of the book, everything prior to the pregnancy… Then it was down hill… I look forward to your version!
Thanks, Lady, I hope to not let you down!
I’m still not mad at Jacob, except when he’s acting like a spoiled manipulating baby idiot, but I’m not mad. I just want him to grow up, act like a man and find himself a woman he deserves. Someone better than Bella (or Renesmee, please forgive me, I never gave the baby chance because I hated the idea of her so much). And why exactly should being with Leah be worse than being miserable? I admit there are few possibilities there, but should Jacob keep her happy I doubt very much he would be miserable…
But that’s not about this story. I really need to catch up with the books and a certain other fic.
Ha! Yes, Wide Awake finally updated! I devoured it this morning but I’ll have to go back and reread it just to be sure I didn’t miss anything. Looks like she has the final 2 chapters scheduled. Hopefully she’ll stick to that and the story will be done next week. I shall miss it, but I’ve printed it out to revisit whenever I want.
Jacob will find happiness, I assure you.
Rameau- seems like we’re on the same page about Jacob, glad I’m not the only one! Though I did reread some of Eclipse last night and I forgotten just how immature he behaves, BUT he is just a kid. My brother acted similarly when he didn’t get his way til he was well into his 20s. I guess that part is somewhat realistic.
Nole- So happy that Jacob will be happy in your story! And not with a baby, thats just creepy no matter how SM tried to “justify” it, ew.
I know when reading Eclipse, my anger was focused on Bella. But, I never liked Jacob. Like Nole, he just annoyed the hell out of me. Always pestering and telling Bella how she felt. I just wanted him to go away. Although, as much as I was dreading reading his pov in BD, I was surprised I enjoyed some of his sarcasm. He was somewhat funny. I too am happy to hear that he will end up happy in your story…not connected to Bella in any way. I happened to see him with Leah. I’m interested to see how you give him his happy ending.
So happy about the WA update! And I’m even happier there are two additional chapters. I couldn’t figure out how she could wrap up that story in one. It would have been rushed.
I’ll have to agree with you, AGO, Jake could be funny now and then. He had a good sarcastic thing going in BD. Had I not loathed is portrayal in Eclipse I probably would have appreciated it more.
I haven’t really decided who Jake’s happy ending will be with yet. I have plenty of time for that because after chapter 6 he is going to be out of the story for a very long while. I won’t say more as to when or why he’ll show up again because that’s way down the road.
I’ve read the latest WA chapter twice already. So thrilled that she has a couple more to go and I agree, trying to make chapter 50 the last would have been too ambitious I think. I’ll be checking in all day on the 25th to see if she does indeed get the next one posted!
I agree, I really love hearing EPOV, and I think you captured it perfectly. I got the same painful hurt I did when reading Midnight Sun because Edwards torment just resonates with me. On to read chapter 3…..
I’m glad you think I got him right, Dee. I have to say writing Edward just feels easier to me. I guess when you’ve spent so much time absorbed in a character you get to know him intimately! hehe If only!
Yay, I’m finally getting around to read your fanfic! So far, so good :).
Thanks! It’s over on ff.net if it’s easier for you to read there!