Sacrificial Lamb Chapter 27
BPOV
From Breaking Dawn, the Story of Edward & Isabella Cullen, October 13th, 2005
A month has gone by since I died. Or since I was reborn? Or changed? I don’t really know how to refer to it. I guess I’ll just say a month has gone by since I became a vampire. No, that’s not remotely weird to write! I’ve been pretty lapse in writing things down since I changed but I was pretty much incapable for awhile anyway. My thoughts were all over the place, for one thing, and for another I was physically incapable of using a pen. I crushed countless of them before I finally got the hang of it, thanks to Emmett’s unflagging patience. Fortunately since I now have this endless memory it’s not a problem getting my thoughts down days and weeks after the fact.
All these changes have been very disconcerting though I am starting to get more comfortable in my own skin. That, of course, is thanks to my family. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Carlisle, Alice and Jasper, who all had to go through the changes alone. Well Jasper wasn’t really alone but it’s not like Maria was worried about teaching him how to control himself so he could someday function in society.
Those first few days after my transformation were so surreal. Everything was brighter, louder and harsher. I know now why they refer to a newly changed vampire as being a newborn. I think it must be the same way for a baby having just emerged from its mother’s womb. The sights and sounds are startling and make the infant cry. I can’t cry anymore but I sure felt like it, countless times. Do you know how frustrating it is to want to cry but to be incapable of it?
It’s not that I’m unhappy with this life I’ve chosen, not in the least. The majority of the time I completely adore it. I have a husband who treats me like I’m some priceless treasure, cherishing me with his words and his body and I have a huge family that accepts me as if I’ve always been one of them. I’ve grown so close to Jasper and Emmett these past few weeks; they’re the big brothers I always wished I had; fiercely protective, loyal, funny and honest; neither one of them sugarcoated things when they were working with me. If I messed up, they told me and made me start again.
Alice, of course, is as close to me as ever. Closer, probably. She seeks me out after a training session and eases me out of whatever frustrations I’m harboring as a result of feeling inadequate. She does this by teasing me, needling me into girly time and pushing me to talk about sex. She’s so like my mother sometimes that I can’t help but laugh; even when I’m uncomfortable. I’m learning, though, that being uncomfortable about sex in this family is pointless. We’re all having it and we’re all hearing it from time to time, so what is there to hide?
Esme and Carlisle have both been wonderful. Esme turned me loose on her flowers, letting me plant my own garden. It sounds simple enough, of course, but it’s not remotely easy. I made huge holes in the ground when I was just attempting to dig spots to plant flowers. That was fixable, I just dumped the majority of the dirt back in but then…those poor flowers. I killed countless flowers. Marigolds, gladiolas, roses, daffodils…nothing was spared. I killed them just by picking them up and using too much force. If I was lucky enough to pick one up without destroying it, I would then do it anyway when I pushed it into the earth. I pushed them in, alright, about 6 feet underground. At least that fits with a burial. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit but they didn’t survive. Poor flowers. Esme didn’t care though, she’d just hand me another flower and tell me to try again. I’m sure the people at the nursery were curious about the numerous trips and voluminous amount of flowers Esme purchased from them!
For his part, Carlisle has answered any and all questions that I have put forth and sought to put me at ease with this emotional roller coaster I’ve been on. He swears that it’s normal to feel like I’m out of control but that I’m really not, at least not like a “typical newborn.” That’s another frustrating thing, not being “typical”. I feel like they’re all watching me, cataloguing my reactions to situations and comparing them to the norm. They tell me I shouldn’t want to be a regular newborn, that all I’d be was hungry all the time. Well I am hungry all the time but I seem to be able to deal with it the same way they do. I eat when I need to. It was daily but now I’ve got it down to every three or four days. I’m told a week is their usual feeding schedule so I’m getting closer.
Of course, one way that I’m glad I’m not normal is when it comes to sex. I was always told it took about a year before a newborn was able to focus on that particular hunger but that’s not the case for me. In fact, my hungers seem to tie into one another. Every time I sate the thirst for blood my thirst for Edward wells up. It’s pretty bad; the rest of the family can’t go hunting with the two of us anymore. I can’t help it though, something about eating brings out the animal in me and I look over at Edward, watching me with those hungry black eyes and I pounce.
Being with him now is incredible. I couldn’t really touch him before; I was both shy and apprehensive that I might do something that would set him off. And I certainly never got to taste him; he was afraid of hurting me so I never got to reciprocate. Now I do though! His taste is intoxicating; I could literally eat him alive. There is nothing better than sinking my lips into that honey flavored skin and feeling those steel muscles bunch underneath me. We haven’t returned from one hunting trip with a stitch of clothing on. I’ve tried to go hunting with Jasper and Alice but as soon as I eat I have to find Edward. It’s a compulsion, replacing one hunger with another. I honestly hope that never changes and so does Edward, not surprisingly.
My relationship with Rosalie is no better but it’s also no worse. We mostly just avoid one another and if we’re in the same room we don’t engage in any dialogue. It’s easier that way. She has occupied herself with my car, tinkering with the engine and giving it more power, which I don’t think is needed but I wasn’t going to argue. She doesn’t say a word about the time I’m spending with Emmett, at least not around me, so I guess that’s a good sign. Maybe. Who knows? I get tired just thinking about it.
Not that I can do anything about being tired anymore. It is so strange not to be able to sleep. I still lie in my bed sometimes but my mind just whirls. I think a lot about Charlie and Renee and some about Jake. The time for my “death” approaches; we’ve decided it’ll happen right after Thanksgiving. I hate what it’s going to do them. Renee has Phil but Charlie has nobody. I know Billy and Jake will be there for him but he’s all alone in that house. I wish he’d find someone to love. He never got over my mother. We’re so similar in that way, I guess, because I know that had Edward not returned I would never have gotten over him either. A Swan’s love seems to be forever, regardless of the circumstances. Thank God for that on my part but I wish Dad had some happiness. Every time I talk to him I worry; he’s back to the diner and the lodge and delivery for meals. He needs someone to take care of him. Of course when I suggested that we could hire someone to cook for and look after him he balked. I started to get upset at that but Edward rightly pointed out I would have had the same reaction if the situation was reversed.
I worry about him so much and the biggest worry is how he’s going to handle news of my death. Alice is no help, she can’t see because of Billy and Jake’s presence which I guess is somewhat comforting but I still need to know he’ll be okay. I still have time to change my mind about letting him think that I died but isn’t the other option worse? Let him think I don’t want to spend time with him now that I have my new family? It’s so hard to know what to do, what is right. What’s right for me is wrong for him and I’m a selfish person for putting myself first but I can’t be sorry for it. Every time I look at Edward I know I made the right choice, it just wasn’t an easy one. I just really don’t want Charlie to think that I’m indifferent to him, long term that has to hurt more. It would me.
Renee’s going to be alright. Alice can see her just fine. Phil has always been good for her and he’ll be a rock when she needs him. She’s always been resilient. Alice says they’re thinking about having a baby…I’m not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand it will feel kind of like a replacement child but on the other hand it would surely help my mother to have someone new to take care of. I think she’ll honestly be a more attentive mother this time around; she’s older and wiser now. And she’d totally kill me if she ever read this!
Another thing weighing on me is my power, or lack thereof. They’re all watching and waiting for whatever it is that I may be able to do. I don’t feel like I can do anything but Alice is quite sure that I have some ability; she’s just not sure what. She says she can’t tell until I know and use it. Lovely. That’s not remotely helpful. Every day Emmett asks me if I feel like I can melt something with the power of my mind or if I can whip up some fire in the fireplace and such. He’s been watching The X-Men and Heroes lately trying to figure out what I can do. Edward says Emmett’s really hoping I have some kind of offensive power like Jane does, except he wants it to be cooler and involve fire. I wish I could accommodate him; this not knowing is frustrating. I don’t feel anything different, other than the obvious improvements to my sight and speed and strength.
The strength has been the hardest thing by far to learn to control but I’m finally there thanks to Emmett primarily. Esme’s flower tutorials helped but Emmett has been my main teacher. Every day he hauls me out into the woods and takes me through some kind of strength drill. The first one drew from my little mishap with the cell phone. He bought a hundred disposable cell phones and threw them at me without any kind of warning. I’d be doing something ridiculous like holding a boulder that weighed several hundred pounds and out of nowhere he’d chuck a phone at me, yelling “catch”. Needless to say, the first time this happened it resulted in chaos, with me dropping the boulder on my foot and smashing the cell phone between both my hands. It didn’t hurt, of course, but it was not a remotely successful attempt. Emmett, however, had a fine time laughing at my expense.
The second attempt was no better; he had me doing a handstand, a one-handed handstand mind you, and asked me to catch the phone then. Amazingly, I was able to do it without lifting my other hand or falling but I still crushed the phone when I caught it. And it went on and on with no success. Out of a hundred phones, zero survived. That’s me, Bella Cullen: Cell Phone Killer. It didn’t help that he decided to throw most at me when I was out hunting with Jasper and Alice! There I was, blithely running through the forest, trying to catch the scent of deer or some other more alluring animal and a cell phone would come out of nowhere and whiz past my head. Much to my amazement, I caught it every time. Heck, I could hear the thing coming through the air. Vampire hearing is incredible. It didn’t matter that I heard it though, or that I caught it because it smashed every time. No matter what I did; open palm, one hand, two hands, just catching it with two fingers. All crushed. Emmett just let out that gut busting laugh of his, shaking the trees and sending birds away in panicked flight and assured me I’d get it eventually.
And eventually I did but it wasn’t the cell phones that made the difference. No, Emmett decided that I needed something that I might value more than a cheap electronic phone device. It had to be something I cared about. I’ll be honest and say I was scared to death he was going to get something cute and sweet to throw at me, like puppies or kittens or something. Thankfully he didn’t go quite that far but he went for something similar. I’m going to document the whole thing word for word because it’s too good not to get down on paper.
“Hey little sis, can you make it snow today?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not Storm from The X-Men, Emmett.”
“That’s too bad, it’s really cool how her eyes get white and then she makes the wind roar and…”
I cut him off, if I didn’t I’d be listening to the plot of one of the X-Men comic books he’d been reading. I’d made that mistake before and I knew far more about Wolverine and Jean Gray than I’d ever wanted to at this point. “Don’t we have a lesson to attend to?”
His face glowed with excitement. “We do, come with me!” He darted into the woods and I ran after him, catching him quickly. The only one of my family that I couldn’t keep up with was Edward, much to my chagrin. Of course, we had fun with it, me chasing him through the trees and getting close enough to him to almost touch him before he would dart away. I’d finally give up and pout over the fact that I couldn’t keep up with him and he’d run back to me and pounce on me. “I may be faster but you’ll always be able to reach me because I’ll never run away from you.” Then he’d kiss me passionately and I’d forget all about running.
Emmett stopped in a clearing that reminded me a bit of the meadow except for the lack of flowers or pretty much anything. It was just brown grass, already damaged from the first frost of the season and a ring of trees, most of which had no leaves since fall was quickly coming to an end and winter was approaching. A strange looking pile caught my eye but before I could decipher what I was seeing Emmett was walking towards it. I followed quickly, anxious to see what he had in store for me.
“Bella, meet Edward, Jr.!” Emmett’s smile was a mile wide as he thrust some strange baby doll at me, flipping a switch as he did so. I jerked in surprise when the doll blinked and let out a loud yell, starting to drop it but my reflexes kicked in and it only fell an inch before I had it in my hands again. It was actually squirming and I had to bring it closer to my body so it wouldn’t fall out of the light grip I had on it. Amazingly, the doll had a shock of disheveled copper hair, very similar to Edward’s.
“Emmett, what is this?” I hissed at him, wondering why we were playing house when I was supposed to be working on controlling my strength.
“Training, of course.” He blinked at me, the picture of innocence. “You keep crushing the cell phones so I figured we’d upgrade. This thing looks like a baby and sounds like a baby and even feels like a baby. So we’re going to pretend he’s your baby and you have to do your best not to injure him. If you do, your baby dies.”
“He’s not my baby!” I won’t lie, I felt uncomfortable with this squirming doll in my arms. I didn’t have a lot of experience with babies and I’d never really wanted to.
“For our intents and purposes, he is your baby. Yours and Edwards which means you would love him above anything else.” He was right of course, if Edward and I could have a baby I would undoubtedly do anything for him, but we couldn’t so it was best not to think about such things.
“Well if we’re going to pretend that I’m the mother of this freaky doll, why did we have to come out here to do it?” It was totally creepy, these big green eyes kept blinking at me and the mouth made little suckling noises. It was far too real but too fake at the same time, it kind of freaked me out.
“Two reasons. Rose would kill me if she saw these dolls and I don’t really want to make her angry or make her feel bad about the children issue.” I felt chagrined that I’d asked as some of his excitement over the silly doll had slipped out of his face. “Secondly, we needed the space.”
“Tell me you are not going to throw that baby at me the same way that you did the cell phones.” Chucking a human looking doll at me at a hundred miles per hour sounded like something Emmett would enjoy doing.
“Not exactly.” He took the creepy doll out of my hands and the sudden movement must have startled the thing because it began wailing, piercing shrieks that sounded through the clearing. “There, there Eddie, Junior, it’s going to okay.” Emmett held the baby to his neck and patted it on the back; it was the most surreal sight ever. The doll quieted and he grinned at me. “You know, he bears a remarkable resemblance to our Edward. Before you came along he was just as moody as this kid is.”
“Where ever did you find this thing? And how come it has Edward’s hair?”
“I ordered a bunch of them from some birthing supply store online. They use them in schools to prevent teenage pregnancy and also in some parenting classes. Alice may have helped me make some modifications so that Edward Junior would resemble his father. Now, enough questions, it’s time for training.”
Before I could blink he was gone, clambering up the tallest tree in the clearing, the baby tucked under his arm. I could hear the thing wailing again from down below and suppressed a sigh. What was the point? Emmett was off and running. “Okay, Mommy Bella, Little Eddie is trapped in a burning building. I, the brave, strong, handsome, sexy firefighter, have found him but there’s no exit. There’s no saving me, so I shall die heroically rescuing your child. I have to throw him out of the window; the entire room behind me is engulfed in flames. Are you ready to save your child?”
He was so ridiculous, grinning at me from fifty feet up with the baby doll cradled in his huge hands; I couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm for his scenario. He hammed it up further by coughing and clutching at his chest as if he was unable to breathe. “Smoke asphyxiation! I have to get him down to you now, Bella, or he won’t make it. Catch your beloved son!”
With that he dropped the doll, its wails increasing in strength the closer it got to me. They must have done some tinkering to the thing to have it shrieking like it had been tortured. I raced to the area below the tree, arriving in plenty of time to catch the doll, just waiting. I kept telling myself to have a loose grip when it arrived, just to take the force into my arms and not my hands like Emmett kept telling me. I told myself that over and over as Edward Junior plummeted towards me. Crap, I was thinking of it as Edward Junior now. Well, maybe it would help.
Not so much though, because as soon as I caught him, as soon as I felt that plastic in my hands, I tightened my grip just a hair too much and Edward Junior’s head shattered in my hands. Pieces of plastic rained on the ground below. On the bright side, the doll was no longer crying. Emmett was down beside me as soon as I processed what I’d done.
“You killed Eddie Junior.” His face was grave; his expression accusatory as if I’d literally killed my child in front of him.
“Emmett! It was an accident. And he’s not my son!”
“Well, he’s certainly not now.” He picked up the little tuft of copper hair and placed it upon the rest of the doll’s body, which had remained intact. Then, much to my amazement, he made the sign of the cross. “Farewell, Eddie Junior, your life was far too short. At least now you know no pain.” He placed the little doll body next to the tree gently.
“Emmett, are you insane? It’s a doll, it is not dead and we don’t have to bury the thing.”
“I told you to pretend he was your son, so he deserves a proper burial. A moment of silence if you will.” I stood there silently while Emmett completed whatever prayer for the plastic he was doing in his head.
“There! Now, we’ll try again. Meet your daughter, Edwina!” And out of the pile came another doll with Edward’s hair, only this one wore a dress instead of the jean overalls that Edward Junior had worn. Emmett was dancing around with the doll, so delighted in this training session it was infectious so I had to join him in laughter. Edwina gurgled along in computer animated delight. It was so weird but I decided to just go with it. Emmett went back up the tree and Edwina came down. This time I didn’t completely break her but there was a rather large crack in the center of her head. She was wailing up a storm too. Emmett took her from me and flipped off the switch. If only it were that easy in real life!
And so it went. Little Alice and Alastair were both crushed at my hands, their raven hair all that remained after I caught them. Jasmine and Jasper Junior didn’t make it either, although their faces remained mostly okay. Jasper was missing an ear but I was rather proud that he still had a full head but Emmett still declared him dead on arrival. Jasmine’s head ripped right off because I’d gripped her hair a little too tight when I caught her. Emmett’s little doll graveyard was soon littered with bodies. Carly and Carlisle Junior joined Esmerelda and Esteban on the mass grave. It was the most macabre sight ever, headless bodies, crushed doll heads, the occasional detached eye. Ick.
“Alright, Bella, you’ve managed to kill all your children and your nieces and nephews. They ought to lock you up and throw away the key. Now, you have one more chance because I’m not letting you ruin any more dolls today. And this is by far the most important chance I’m giving you.” He looked completely serious; there was no hint of a smile on his face or in his eyes. “This is Emmett Junior and if you kill him, I’ll be forced to avenge his death.” He held up the doll next to his face. It was dressed identically to him, jeans and a white t-shirt with a black button down shirt over it. He had curly brown hair and a little ball cap on his head. Somehow they’d even given the thing dimples. I didn’t even want to know how they managed that one. I suppressed a giggle and nodded at his sober expression.
“Son, your Auntie Bella loves you very much and she’s not going to let anything happen to you. She knows how much you mean to me so she’s going to catch you and you’ll be in one piece,” he stopped to glare at me, “and we’ll get you home to Momma. Okay?” He hugged his “son” to him and eyed me balefully. “Bella, I like Emmett Junior and would very much like him to have a head when I get back down here. Remember what I told you. Take all the energy and push it elsewhere in your body. Your hands are like feathers, they have no power. Push the strength into your legs, channel it out anywhere but your hands.”
I took several calming breaths and prepared for my last trial of the day. I really didn’t want to disappoint Emmett or ruin his little doll, it was clear he was rather attached. I watched anxiously as Emmett to back to his perch in the treetop. “Here he comes. Take care of him.” I shifted my stance and prepared to catch the doll, concentrating on pushing my strength out of my arms and into the rest of my body. I can do this. I have to do this for Emmett. Emmett Junior was in my arms before I knew it. I felt him land and closed my eyes, hoping that he would be okay and then feeling ridiculous because I was worried about a doll of all things. I heard Emmett land next to me; he’d leapt out of the tree rather than climb all the way down. He wasn’t saying anything so I opened one eye and peeked down at the doll in my arms.
He had a head! An intact, not messed up head. And it was attached to his body! I did it! “I did it, Emmett!” I laughed in sheer delight, shifting the baby to one arm so I could hug Emmett with the other. He squeezed me tightly and whirled me around, keeping a careful eye on my grip on the doll the whole time.
“See, I knew you could do it! And of course it was my son you saved. You love me best! I have the proof!” I giggled at his joy over his doll being the only one that escaped harm. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Edward about you killing his children but saving mine.” I lost it, laughing so hard that I fell over and landed next to the doll graveyard. That set me off even further and soon I was in complete hysterics. Emmett joined me, his belly laugh shaking the ground beneath us.
When I finally calmed enough to speak, I said, “Emmett, you have got to be the most unorthodox teacher that ever existed. However, this has to be the most fun I’ve ever had in school, such as it is.”
He beamed with delight at my compliment. “You did well, Bella. You never gave up, even when you were getting frustrated. Now that you’re learning how to channel your strength, it’ll be a snap from here on out.” It wasn’t a snap but it was quite a bit easier. I soon learned how to do simple things like dial a phone and hold a pen without snapping it in two. Emmett was there cheering me on the whole way.
Jasper’s training was completely different from Emmett’s. In the first place, he didn’t even tell me he was training me. One day Edward took me out on a hunt, like usual, nothing special about it or so I thought at the time. I picked up Jasper’s scent when we were out but I didn’t think anything of that either, we weren’t far from the house and all of us hunted in these woods. Jasper smelled of hot sand and cactus, reminding me a lot of Arizona; maybe it was a southern thing.
I caught the scent of some deer to the west and headed that way, Edward falling in next to me as was our habit. He held back a little so I could keep pace with him and take down my kill first. He was always the gentleman, even when it came to death, it was oddly sweet. I focused in on the kill, drawing within a hundred yards of my prey when all of a sudden a new scent came out of the south. It was something I’d never smelled before and it called to me. I didn’t think for a second about what I was doing, I reversed direction and crashed through the woods, all thoughts of the deer gone as I was driven to find whatever carried that delicious aroma.
Edward fell in behind me, not saying a word as I blindly sought to find that which called me. He let me take the lead as I hopped over rocks, scaled trees and crashed through river banks trying to find that elusive creature with the intoxicating odor. The venom welled in my mouth as I imagined crushing it to me, tasting the hot blood as it pumped out of its torn neck. I needed to taste it more than I’d ever needed anything before. Even my desire for Edward was eclipsed by this hunger, which would have been jarring to me had I recognized it at the time.
I was close; the scent was stronger here as was Jasper’s. I feared he had already killed it, the delightful creature with the desirable blood. How dare he take what was mine? A growl erupted from my throat instinctively, a challenge to my brother and to my husband and to anyone else that wanted to take my prey away. Edward halted at the sound coming from my throat, electing not to move ahead with me as I scaled a giant boulder and jumped to the other side. It was here, somewhere. I didn’t see anything but the scent was incredibly strong; I was nearly on top of it. I tore through some underbrush to see if I could find it, the fear that Jasper had already devoured it coursing through me and enraging me all the more. I picked up a huge tree trunk and hurled it out of my way; the animal was underneath, I was sure of it. But there was no animal to be found.
No, lying underneath the tree was some fabric, fabric bathed in that scent that had driven me mad from the first whiff. I picked it up and buried my face into it, the soft white cloth rubbing over my cheek like a lover’s caress. I breathed deeply, wanting to lose myself in that glorious aroma forever. I vaguely heard something above me and whirled, hoping the animal that had been burrowing in this fabric had returned. Instead I saw Jasper and Edward perched atop the boulder I’d climbed.
“Where is it?” My voice was a demanding growl; I spoke through the fabric, unwilling to move it from my nose and mouth.
Edward looked like he was going to speak but Jasper silenced him. “Where is what, Bella?”
“The animal.” What were they playing at? Why were they keeping me from the thing I wanted to so badly?
“What animal?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t smell it! Did you eat it? Did you take what was mine?” I was ready to attack Jasper if he didn’t give me my prey. I had to taste it.
“There is no animal, Bella.”
I shrieked with rage. “I can smell it! It was lying in this material! I have to have it; you have to show me where it is. Even if you drained it, there has to be some blood for me!” One drop would not be enough, I wanted all of it and I wanted to drink until I was so full that I couldn’t move but if I couldn’t, I still had to have a taste.
“I didn’t drain anything.” Thank God.
“Then show me where it is, the trail ends here. Did it go underground? What is it?” I turned my back on them and started digging, hoping to unearth my beloved food. I used only one hand, the other clutching the treasure to my nose.
“Bella, love, it’s not an animal.”
“Well, actually it is.”
“You know what I mean, Jasper, she’s not going to find it by digging a huge hole in the ground. Bella, please stop.”
I turned and glared at them. “Don’t make me hurt you. Just show me where it is.” Yeah, I was that far gone; ready to attack my brother and my husband if they didn’t lead me to the animal.
Jasper hopped from atop the gray rock, landing about five feet from me and crouching down as if to attack. I mimicked his stance; it was something he’d taught me as well. He’d given me tutorials just like he had the rest of the family and the wolves when the newborns were coming to attack. He wanted me to have the same skill set and body control as the rest of the family and I had actually become quite adept at combat. I didn’t want to have to take him out but I was willing to now.
“Stay there, Edward.” My eyes cut to my husband, who looked like he wanted very badly to come down but he listened to Jasper and stayed away. “Bella, there is no animal; calm down a minute and focus on what you’re holding.”
What was he talking about? I was holding a plain white cloth, a t-shirt that had clearly been a bed for whatever animal smelled like everything that was good in the world. “It’s a shirt,” I hissed through clenched teeth, baring them at Jasper.
“And what animal wears a shirt?” What was wrong with him? No animals wore shirts. We wore shirts. Humans wore shirts…oh. Oh, no.
“This, this is what a human smells like to us?” My voice shook, pain and desire intermingled. It was everything I needed but I didn’t want to do what had to be done to get it. What part of me was stronger? There was no way in the world I was going to get through eternity without killing a human being.
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my face to the cloth and inhaled again. God I wanted that scent and the taste that went with it. I looked over at Edward as I filled with shame. “I’m so sorry. I was so sure I could do it but I can’t, can I? I’m going to kill a human.” I didn’t want to; I could not live with the guilt of that.
Edward hopped off the rock and folded me into his arms. “No, Bella, you aren’t. Sweetie, this is a normal reaction to have the first time you catch a human’s scent. We fully expected it. You have so much control though we weren’t sure how you’d react so we decided to test you to be sure. This is perfectly acceptable.”
I pushed him away angrily. “It’s not acceptable. I don’t want to kill a person, Edward! How am I ever going to be able to be around anyone? I can’t! We’ll have to move to Antarctica or something.” I sounded like a petulant child but I didn’t care. I really did want to be able to live among humans and go to school and interact with people someday. It appeared that I’d never be able to do that though.
Jasper stepped in front of me. “Bella, you won’t have to move anywhere. This is part of your training, my part. I’m going to plant clothes and human blood throughout the forest and you’re going to learn to ignore it. We did this to you at the most difficult time, when you were already thirsty and on your hunt. I can assure you, were you sated and around a living, breathing person, things would probably be slightly less difficult. You don’t want to hurt anyone and you’d likely fight that instinct. I’m not saying you’d be successful, you probably wouldn’t right away but that’s why you’re not going to be around humans for awhile. This was the first of many tests and you did not fail. You did exactly what you should do. Now you know and now you can work on your control.”
I looked into his golden eyes and heard the confidence in his tone. Edward stepped back to me and put his arms around my waist and I felt that energy coming from him. Both of them believed in me and I had to believe in myself. I slowly lowered my arm, removing the shirt from my nose. My body balked, badly wanting it back near my face but I refused to give in. I held the shirt out to Jasper and planted myself firmly so I didn’t yank it away when he took it from me.
“Very good, Bella. I don’t have to tell you to remember the scent, you’ll do that. Next time you’re on a hunt, focused in on your kill and you smell this scent, or something similar, you need to do your best to ignore it. It will be difficult, the hardest thing you do, really, because you’re fighting against your very nature. But you know what’s at stake if you don’t.” If I failed, I would kill a person; someone’s sister or brother, son or daughter, mother or father. I could not be responsible for that. “Stop breathing if you have to, that’s how I got through high school some days.” He smiled at me and I felt my lips turn up in response. “And Lord knows Edward had to do that with you plenty.”
I felt Edward’s laugh rumble through my body as he pressed his nose to my hair and inhaled deeply. “That’s for sure. All I could do was take quick breaths around her for weeks.” He was so strong and he’d fought so hard just to be with me. I wouldn’t let him down.
I breathed deeply, taking one last hit of that wonderful scent. “Alright, Jasper, do your worst. I’ll be better prepared next time.” And I was, but that didn’t stop me from taking off after the scent. Several times later I stopped myself before I got all the way to it. The next time, I veered off my track but came back a second later. And the next time, I didn’t leave the hunt and I didn’t go after the beautiful aroma. I wasn’t immune to the smell of humans but I was in control of the thirst.
Jasper and Edward were thrilled with my progress. Alice said I wasn’t quite ready for a human yet but I would be soon; within weeks rather than months. I was immensely excited by that possibility; it was going to take me less than the usual year to be able to interact with humans. Jasper said it had to have something to do with my unknown gift. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it.
Before I can face the humans though, I have to face something else that’s even more daunting, at least to me. Aro is coming. Alice says he’ll be here in a week, on the pretense of wanting to see the new Mrs. Cullen. What he really wants to know is what power I have. Since I don’t seem to have one, yet, he’s going to be mighty disappointed but Alice says that won’t daunt him in the least. He’s still going to try to get me and Edward to join him Volterra. We’re not going. I have no plans to be a part of that sadistic coven and I know Edward feels the same way. Alice doesn’t foresee any difficulties from our rejection of his overtures, but I’m going to be prepared anyway. Jasper’s lessons may come in handy sooner than he could have thought.
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