BPOV
The ride back to Hanover was pretty quiet. Edward understood my need to keep my thoughts to myself so he let me take the lead, only murmuring responses to my comments on passing scenery. I knew I was hurting him and I hated that. I wanted to push my feelings aside because I knew that he was feeling guilty; like he caused my pain. I asked for this, he didn’t do it to me, but that was Edward, he would always take everything to heart, especially anything that hurt me.
He held my hand the whole way home, stroking his thumb over the back. His touch was comforting, as always, though I really didn’t want to be comforted right now. I needed to wallow for awhile, I guess, which was pretty pathetic when I thought about it. I’d made my choice and I had to live with it. Even now, knowing how terribly I’d affected Charlie, I couldn’t regret it. I couldn’t regret him. I looked at that perfect profile; the untamed bronze hair, the high cheekbones, the kissable lips, the porcelain skin. Somehow he was mine. And I was his. Forever.
I squeezed his hand and he looked at me, his golden eyes reflecting his concern for me. I smiled at him then, resolving to push my feelings aside for now. I would find some time alone to mourn for my parents, to say a private goodbye. Edward’s answering smile bloomed across his face, his whole body looking lighter now. His grip on the steering wheel loosened and the tension seeped out of his shoulders. I’d done that to him. I hurt everyone I loved; it was time I stopped that.
“I don’t regret it.”
His smile fell away and he stared into my eyes, looking like he was trying to see into my brain. This was one of those rare times that I wished he could read my mind, so he could know that despite it all, it was the truth. “Are you sure?”
“I’m absolutely positive. You’re worth it.”
He shook his head sadly, pain flashing in his beautiful eyes. “No, I’m not.”
“You are. We are.” My tone rang with my conviction and I clutched his hand to mine. His fingers ran over his mother’s ring, the ring that hadn’t left my finger since I’d become his wife.
“I’m not,” he insisted, “But we are.” I shook my head.
“You don’t see yourself very clearly, you know.” He laughed as I threw his own words back at him.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have given you that journal. You’re using it against me now.”
“It was the best gift you’ve ever given me, short of yourself. I don’t want to lose a moment with you; human or vampire ones.”
He drew my hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss there, a kiss I felt all the way down to my toes. “I don’t want you to. I hate taking things away from you.” And there we were, back to his blaming himself for my having to give up my family.
“Edward, I can’t have everything. I made my choice and while I can’t say I’m happy at this moment, I know that I will be again, soon. It was right for me.”
“I want to give you everything, though.”
“You’ve given me more than I ever wanted, more than I ever thought I could have.”
He gave me a half smile. “It’s not even a fraction of what you’ve given me.”
“I think that it is.” He shook his head. “How about we agree that we’ve both gotten more than we ever thought we possibly could?”
I got it then, a real smile, that devastatingly beautiful grin that could knock me off my feet. “I can agree to that.” He turned off the road, onto the private drive that led to our home.
“Are they home?”
Edward shook his head. “Jasper and Rose are. Everyone else went to Washington.”
“Why didn’t they go?”
Edward grimaced. “Rose refused to go.” I shrugged, that shouldn’t surprise me. “Jasper stayed to make sure you were alright.” The irritation I felt at Rosalie’s presence immediately subsided when I heard that Jasper was here for me; somehow I knew he always would be.
“How did they explain that?” After all, Edward was “dead” too, his whole family should be there.
“Classes that couldn’t be missed.”
I snorted. “That’s not much of an excuse.”
He shrugged. “Charlie wasn’t about to question it. Rose just acted very upset and Jasper said he’d stay with her while the others left.” I winced, knowing my father was probably incapable of focusing on something like Jasper and Rose’s presence at the funerals.
“Edward, where was my mother? Did you get anything from Charlie?”
He looked sad and squeezed my hand. “They were on a cruise. Nobody could get in touch with them until today. She and Phil are heading to Washington as soon as they get back on land.” A part of me was relieved that they hadn’t found out in time to come to Maine to help in the search. Living with my father’s expression was hard enough; seeing Renee suffer would have been too much. I longed to see my mother again but I’d rather see her when she was happy. Maybe someday.
Edward stopped the car and we got out as the front door opened and Jasper hurried over to me. He wrapped me in his arms and I felt warmth flowing from him. He wasn’t using his gift on me; he just naturally made me feel that way. I closed my eyes and absorbed the hug; taking from him the strength I’d expended to make Edward feel better. “How are you?” he asked in that warm, southern honeyed voice, pulling back and studying me carefully.
I gave him a slight smile. “I’m doing alright.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “I’m handling it.”
He nodded. “I know you are. Your emotions are all over the place, almost overwhelming. But here you are, smiling and dealing with it.”
“What else is there to do?”
“Good point.” He released me and stepped back. “I’m here if you need me, to talk or to help.” He would take my emotions away from me if I asked and give me peace when I didn’t deserve it.
“I know you are. I can’t thank you enough. But I think I need to feel it for now, you know?”
“I understand.” And somehow I knew he did.
“I think I’m going to go lie down for awhile.” Not that I could escape with sleep, but at least I could rest my body if not my mind.
Edward looked at me hesitantly. “Do you…can I…do you want to be alone?”
I shook my head and reached out to him. Part of me did want to be alone but a greater part of me wanted to hold him, to reaffirm that I’d done the right thing. With him at my side, the doubts were mostly silenced. “No. I want you with me, always.” He took my hand and we went to our bedroom. He took me into his arms and held me for two days and nights. We didn’t need to make love; we just needed to be together. He was my home and I showed him that with my eyes, with my touch and occasional kisses.
Eventually we decided to get out of bed and face the world again. How ironic that the day I decided to face the world was the day I was being buried on the other coast. Jasper had let Edward know that Alice had called and everything was going as well as could be expected. My mother had arrived and she’d actually been a rock for Charlie. Talk about role reversal. But it was easier for her, she’d said goodbye to me a couple of years ago. Plus, Renee believed in living life to the fullest and she knew I had done that the last couple years of my life.
Things were tense with the wolves, not surprisingly. They were maintaining the peace for Charlie’s sake but they were openly hostile, Jake in particular. Sam had taken Carlisle aside and reiterated that we needed to stay away from Forks in the future, the treaty was void. Only I could manage to obliterate an eighty year old treaty so thoroughly.
Edward took a shower and I sat down at my desk to pen a note to Jasper. I needed his help and I couldn’t articulate it without Edward hearing so this was the easiest way. I ran the note over to the house and handed it to him. He greeted that with a raised eyebrow but he shrugged and opened it.
Don’t think about this note, he’ll hear you. Jasper flashed a smile at me from the first line and nodded. I need you to get him out of here for a couple of hours today. I just need some time alone, some time to say a final goodbye to the person I was and to the family I’ve left behind. I could ask and he’d go but he would feel guilty about it and I’m tired of hurting him. He can’t take this guilt away from me, I need it, Jasper. Will you help me?
Jasper looked at me closely for a few moments before nodding his head. He took the pen away from me and jotted his own note. Are you sure you’ll be okay alone? I read over his shoulder and nodded emphatically. I’ll do it but I want you to swear to me that if you need help dealing with this, you’ll come to me. I know how you feel, Bella, you can’t hide it from me anymore than you really can hide it from Edward. He’ll know, you know, even without hearing it in my mind.
Yes, he would figure it out, probably before Jasper even got him out of the house. But I’d do my best to reassure him and hopefully he’d let me take the time I needed. He’d been with me every step of the way and I was grateful for that but I needed this time to let out my feelings without worrying about its effect on him. I wanted to feel my pain and guilt, not his.
I know he’ll figure it out but hopefully he’ll understand that this is what I need. When you guys come back I’ll be myself again. Jasper took my hand and squeezed it, leading me over to the sofa and flipping on the TV. We watched the news for a few minutes until Edward came into the room, brushing his damp hair out of his face. He was so beautiful, even in a simple white t-shirt and blue jeans. There was a look of fear in his eyes that died out the instant he saw me sitting quietly next to Jasper.
“There you are, love.” He dropped next to me gracefully and planted a soft kiss on my cheek.
I smiled at him. “Were you afraid I’d left?” As if I would ever leave him, nothing could pry me away.
He studied my face carefully and then gave me that half smirk that still gave me butterflies. “Nope you’re stuck with me!”
I kissed him gently. “Forever.” His face lit up and Jasper gagged on the other side of me.
“Alright, lovebirds, let’s tone down the romance a little when my woman is on the other side of the country, okay?” He gave us a scowl but it melted into a laugh as the irritated façade faded away. Yes he was teasing but I knew he missed Alice terribly. He’d stayed behind for me and that meant the world to me. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it in silent thanks, hoping he understood the emotions I was sending his way. He squeezed back and smiled at me. “Edward, want to go hunting with me? I need to refuel before Alice gets here.” He waggled his eyebrows in a very Emmett-like fashion and made me giggle.
Edward grinned. “Sure, we’ll go, won’t we, Bella?”
“I’m not hungry but you two should go ahead.”
He frowned and shook his head. “No, I don’t want to leave you alone, love. I can go later.”
I glanced at Jasper who gave me a small shrug. “No, you should go ahead. I really want to read for awhile, I wouldn’t be very good company right now.”
His face fell. “Are you alright?”
I took his hand in both of mine. “Edward, I’m fine, really. We’ve been alone together for almost a week now; it’d be good for you to spend some time with your brother.”
“Yeah, I’m lonely,” Jasper interjected sarcastically. I glared at him. He was supposed to be helping. He smiled. “Really, man, I am going a little stir crazy without Alice. It’s too quiet around here.” We all laughed at that, it was true enough. Nobody had heard a peep from Rosalie since we’d gotten home and Edward and I had been wrapped up in each other during that time.
Edward ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I don’t know…” A sign of weakness, I pounced on it.
“Go, have fun with Jasper. I’ll be right here when you get back.”
He studied me for a moment. “Okay, just promise me we’ll talk when I get back?” He knew, of course he did.
I nodded and smiled. “Count on it.” I gave him a kiss and walked outside with him and Jasper, waving as they took off toward the mountain. Alone at last, I went back to our house and got out the books Alice and Esme had given me for my birthday. There were the pictures of my life before New Hampshire, from childhood to marriage. I opened the one with pictures from when I was a baby, running my fingers over the glossy pages, tracing the smile that lit up Charlie’s face as he held a tiny me.
I just hadn’t had enough time with him. I loved growing up with my mom but there’s something about having a big strong daddy to cuddle up with when you have a nightmare. He was there to hold me when I had nightmares when Edward left; I wondered what it would have been like when I was a little girl. I hadn’t been able to appreciate him during that numb time either. I hope he knew how much I truly loved him and how happy I was that we had the last year and a half together.
I let out a little giggle when I saw the picture of Renee feeding me. She was covered in more food than I was. Apparently I’d always been a messy eater, though I was getting better with the blood thing now. I didn’t ruin as many clothes.
I felt sad when I got a few pages in and saw that pictures with Charlie were already sporadic. I’d been so young when Renee left him. It made me sad knowing he wasn’t there for my first tooth and the first time I tied my shoe and read a book, all those rights of passage a kid went through. And now I’d deprived him of my adulthood and grandchildren.
I’d seen the pictures of Renee and me countless times. She liked to drag out the photo album whenever we moved somewhere new, which was quite often. I smiled as I came across a photo from one of my summer visits with Charlie. I was about five or six year’s old, holding up a fishing pole with the tiniest fish on the end. I had lost both my front teeth and was giving the camera a huge smile. Charlie wore a matching one, pride shining in his eyes at my great catch.
My smile faded and I choked back a sob as I imagined his face today. There would be no joy shining in his eyes, no smile stretching across his face, no little girl wrapped in his arms. I rested my head against the photo album and let the guilt wash over me. What I did was right for me but so wrong for him and for my mother. Sobs wracked my body and I longed for the sweet release of tears. I didn’t miss much about being human but I missed the ability to cry when I was this pent up inside.
Right now the funeral was getting underway. It was probably a rainy, gray day in Forks, fitting for dual funerals of a young husband and wife taken way too soon. It was all a sham. We would outlive every single person there save for the rest of the Cullens of course. Angela was probably there, with Ben at her side. Jessica wouldn’t miss it; she’d cry and carry on as if we’d been best friends instead of near enemies. Mike would probably paint a picture of the girl that got away and blame Edward for my “death”. Billy would sit at Charlie’s side, lending quiet, stoic support. Jake was probably glaring at the vampires and cursing me under his breath. What a farce it all was.
I wanted to cry but I also wanted to scream and throw things and curse myself. I wanted to curl up in a ball and I wanted to run forever, not looking back. I couldn’t settle on what the hell I did want and it was frustrating to no end. I picked the book back up and saw a picture of me and Jake making mud pies at the river while Charlie and Billy fished. Jake pushed me in the river that day. I bet he wished he could do that again right about now. I wished he could too. I wished I could push him in as well. It hurt, those words that he hurled at me in Maine. Some of them were right but some of them very wrong. Where did that boy I made mud pies with go? Why did everything have to get so damn complicated?
Why couldn’t Jake have stayed my best friend and not been a wolf? Why did wolves and vampires have to be mortal enemies? Why couldn’t Edward have been an actual human boy? No, I actually didn’t regret what he was, I mustn’t feel like that. I was thrilled that I could live forever with him. I just wished everyone else I loved could have come along for the ride. And listen to me! I have so much more than I ever thought possible; a perfect, glorious man who loves me beyond reason, a wonderful surrogate family that loves me as if I’m one of their own, a chance to do anything and everything I want in life. And here I am being ungrateful because I had to give up some people I loved. That was ridiculous. It was time to start appreciating what I had now. I could look back at the past and miss it but I wasn’t going to wallow anymore. Edward would find a new woman when he returned.
With a last look at Charlie’s familiar smile, I closed the book and stood to return it to the shelf. I whirled around as I heard someone approaching the doorway. Was Edward back already? I stared in disbelief as Rosalie walked in the house, a frown already marring her impossibly beautifully face. This was the first time she’d ever stepped foot into Edward’s and my home.
“Rose? What are you doing here?”
She raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. “Can’t I visit my sister?” There was a sneer in her voice and I shivered involuntarily. This would not be pleasant.
“Of course you can, but Alice isn’t here.” Oops, where did that come from? I just wasn’t in the mood for Rose’s attitude today.
“No, she’s attending your funeral and taking care of your father.” She crossed her arms and her face dared me to contradict her.
“Alice is an incredible person. As is your husband, he went along too after all.”
She glared at me. “You don’t have to tell me how great Emmett is, I already know.”
I snorted. “Do you?”
“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” Now was truly not the time to get into my opinion on her treatment of Emmett. I just wanted a couple of hours alone.
She stared at me with disdain. “I’m not here to talk about Emmett.”
“Well what are you here for?” I set the album back on the coffee table and sat back in the recliner. Rose’s eyes flew to the album and a smirk settled on her ruby lips.
“Looking back already, Bella? You’ve only been a vampire for three months now. You can’t go that long without regretting your choice? I told you that would happen.”
“I don’t regret my choice.” I didn’t. I could be sad about the pain I’d wrought but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t do it all over again. Sure, I wished it could be different but there really wasn’t any other way.
Rose threw up her hands. “You’re unbelievable. You saw what you did to him and you don’t even care! You destroyed your own father, Bella!”
“I didn’t destroy him, Rose. I’ve hurt him terribly but Charlie’s strong.”
“Yeah, he really looked strong when his knees gave out and he collapsed on the boat. He was a broken, pathetic little human.”
“Don’t you dare insult my father! He’s one of the best men I know.”
She stalked round the room, her blond hair flying as she moved at an inhuman pace. “Second only to your precious Edward, I imagine.”
I saw red. “I don’t rank the men in my life, Rose. They’re all special to me for many reasons.”
“But you chose one over the other.”
“More than one. I got a whole family out of the deal.”
“And ruined one in the process.” The smirk was back, full force.
“My family wasn’t exactly whole, Rosalie. My parents have been divorced for ages. Charlie and Renee both have their own lives.”
“Oh yeah, Bella, what kind of life does Charlie have exactly?” I frowned, because Charlie’s life made him happy but I always wanted more for him.
“The one he wants. Work, sports and fishing. It’s not my idea of a life but it makes Charlie happy.”
“Well I doubt he’ll be happy now that his daughter’s dead!”
I closed my eyes and heaved a deep breath. “He’ll be fine without me; he was for most of his life.”
She narrowed her ocher eyes at me. “So that’s it, you’re getting payback now. He didn’t spend enough time with you when you were a child so now you’ll teach him a lesson by taking yourself away permanently.”
“What are you talking about? I’m nineteen years old; I got married and moved across the country. I had already taken myself away from him. I did what most kids my age do. I made my own life.”
“And ruined his. You’re the most self-absorbed person I’ve ever met.”
That did it, I started yelling. “What was I supposed to do? Stay in Forks all my life and take care of Charlie? Would you have done that for your father? It seems to me that you were anxious to leave your family and marry your rich fiancée and have your own life yourself when you were my age.”
Rose flinched like I’d slapped her. “How dare you bring that up? I didn’t purposely leave my family behind like you did.”
“I made a choice, Rose. Like you, I fell in love with a man and got engaged. Unlike you, I got my happily ever after. I’m sorry if that bothers you.” I was ashamed that I’d thrown her past at her but she was ripping my open wounds, I couldn’t help ripping back.
“No, what I got was raped and left for dead and then I got an eternity that I never wanted.” Her voice was quieter, speaking of the past that brought her so much unhappiness.
I sighed. “And I’m sorry for that, truly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a forever that doesn’t bring you happiness.”
Her eyes flared. “Don’t you dare pity me!”
“I do not pity you, Rose. I’m telling you that I wish things were different for you.”
“I don’t need your wishes or your sympathy. I don’t want it!” She whirled on her heel and headed toward the front door.
“Shocking, you seem to want everything else.”
She slowly turned to face me, her beautiful face contorting with rage. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I mean that of all of us, you’re the one who constantly wants more, the one who bemoans the life she lost and doesn’t embrace the life she found.”
She stalked across the room, looking like she was going to attack me. I held my ground though; I wasn’t going to let her intimidate me from what I wanted to say this time. “Excuse me? I think I have the right to want what was taken from me.” Her voice was low and threatening. She stopped two feet away and glowered down at me.
“Yes, you have that right but do you have the right to make the man you’re supposed to love feel like he’s not enough for you?”
Her nostrils flared and she lunged forward then, jabbing my chest with her pointer finger. “You don’t know anything about me and Emmett! We’ve been together for longer than your parents have been alive. Don’t presume to talk about my relationship. You and Edward have only been married for a few months. You didn’t even know he existed until two years ago and you think you know something about relationships? Please, you married the first man that looked at you twice!”
I looked at her without blinking. “And you were going to marry the one who used and abandoned you. How can you presume to talk to me about my relationship?”
She put her hands back on her hips, finally removing them from my sternum. “I’ve been there from the beginning, remember? I think I know quite a bit about your relationship.”
I tilted my head. “You saw it but you weren’t part of it. And you don’t understand the way I feel. You want more, always more. Edward is my more. He’s my everything.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting more!” she shrieked. “You’ve never had everything taken from you and woken up in a life you never chose!”
“Haven’t I? What about when Edward left?”
She tossed her golden hair. “That was the one bright thing he’s done since he met you. He never should have come back.” She turned and started to head out the door and at that moment I’d had enough. She wasn’t leaving, not until I was done with her.
“Sit down and shut up, Rose!” Much to my surprise, and apparently to hers as well, she spun around and sat on the sofa. Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out. I blinked a few times to make sure she had really listened to me and then decided I better talk while I still had the element of surprise on my side.
“Never, ever say that.” The words came out of my mouth in a hiss, I actually found myself having to swallow venom as the rage welled within me at her careless words. She stared at me in shock but still didn’t speak.
I took several breaths, attempting to calm myself and trying to find the words to say what I wanted to say without it leading to an actual physical altercation. I didn’t want to destroy my house and I hardly wanted our entire family coming home to find out we’d had a fight. “Rosalie, I don’t even know why we’re arguing. It all seems to come back to my choice and how you don’t approve. I thought we were beyond that by now but you still seem resentful that I gave up my humanity.”
She shrugged but still said nothing. “Can’t you see that for me, it wasn’t even a choice? What I’ve given up I’ve gotten back tenfold by having this life with Edward and becoming part of this family. It’s what I wanted. Can’t you respect that?” She opened her mouth but still nothing came out. I threw up my hands in exasperation. “You can talk now, Rose.”
“No, I don’t think I can respect that.” Her words came out softly, as if she didn’t expect them to be there. “How could you be so willing to give up your life?”
“Edward is my life, Rose. Maybe that’s old fashioned and anti-feminist of me, but that’s how I feel. I can’t live without him. He can’t live without me. What’s so wrong with me taking steps to make sure that we’d be together forever?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right to me.”
“Because it’s not the choice you would make.”
Her eyes flashed open and she shook her head. “No, it isn’t.”
“I respect that, Rose. I really do. I don’t look down on you for wanting more and I wish you wouldn’t look down on me for having my more already.”
“You don’t understand why I want a real family and children of my own.”
“I do understand it, I just don’t understand why you have to remind us all the time that you do, particularly Emmett.”
She glared at me again but didn’t attempt to leave. “Why do you keep dragging him into this? He has nothing to do with you giving up your life and letting your family believe you’re dead.”
“I keep bringing him into this because you hurt him every time you let it be known that you hate this life.”
Her eyes flashed. “I do not! Emmett understands why I feel the way that I do. He’s never been anything but supportive of my feelings.”
“Yes, because he loves you. You’re not blind, Rose. Surely you’ve seen his face fall whenever you’ve belittled my choices and pointed out that you would never give up your life for the man you love. You must know how it cuts him to know that if it were up to you, Emmett wouldn’t know you existed; that the woman he loves more than anything would trade him for a child she could call her own. You can’t be that self-absorbed, which ironically you accused me of being just a little bit ago. At least I recognize what my actions and words do to those I love. Do you?”
“He never said anything.” Rose broke off and for the first time since she’d come into the room she looked uncertain. “I never meant to hurt him.”
“Of course he hasn’t, he wouldn’t do that to you. Your happiness is his first concern so he does everything he can to keep you that way. He shoves his feelings aside so as not to hurt you.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Like you’re doing for Edward?”
I jerked at her words. “What?”
“You waited until he and Jasper were gone to start your pity party, didn’t you? You don’t want him to know how upset you are.”
I sighed. “He knows, even when I don’t want him to. He’s been through this with me since we got to Maine. I just wanted to give him a little break from it and give myself a little time to say goodbye to my old life.”
“But you have no regrets?” She still looked skeptical.
“No, I don’t.” My conviction rang in my tone and the skepticism died from her face. “I’m sorry that they have to think I died but it was still the right choice for me. I spent my life caring for my mom, following her around the country and giving up my friends every time we moved. Then I spent the last two years helping take care of Charlie. I didn’t mind it but I wasn’t exactly living the normal teenage life, with or without Edward coming into my world.”
“But how can you be sure you won’t want that normal life later?”
“I never wanted it, Rose. I never wanted a husband and a white picket fence and children. I didn’t think about those things as a kid. I thought about going to school where I could escape the responsibilities of home for a few hours a day and having friends. Boys were not remotely on my radar until I set eyes on your brother. Then I was done. It didn’t matter what he was, I loved him and he was mine.”
“I guess I just can’t imagine that, not wanting a family, not wanting to feel a life growing inside me that I created and then holding that precious child for the first time.”
I smiled at her. “I have a family. Not a normal one but one that makes me very happy.”
Her face fell. “Yeah they’ve embraced you wholeheartedly.”
“And you feel like an outsider now.”
She looked up in surprise. “How did you know that?”
“It takes one to know one, Rose. I’ve felt like an outsider all my life, until I got here. This is where I belong.”
“It’s hard not to resent you.”
I nodded. “I get that, I really do. I’ve changed the dynamic around here but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.”
She laughed. “We vampires don’t do well with change.”
I grinned back at her. “I remember hearing that somewhere.”
She crossed her legs and sat back a little, no longer looking like she was going to break for the door. “Emmett really loves you, you know.”
I nodded. “The feeling is mutual. He loves his life and I love being around and experiencing it through his eyes.”
“He’s been that way from day one. He was tough to deal with as a newborn but he was always so cheerful, even through the struggles to control his bloodlust.” She smiled fondly, lost in whatever memories flitted through her mind.
“Emmett’s amazing.” My voice broke a little on the words, wishing he was here to give me one of his bone crushing hugs today of all days.
“He is. I guess I need to let him know that more often, huh?”
I looked at her warily, not sure if she wanted me to agree with her. I just nodded and left it at that. “Look, Bella, I’m not going to pretend that I really understand the choice you made. It’s not what I would have done.”
“I know that.”
“But, as you pointed out, it was your choice to make and I do respect your right to make it.”
“Thank you, Rose.”
She squared her shoulders. “I meant what I said to Aro. You are a part of this family now and you do belong here. You make Edward happy. It’s what we’ve all always wanted for him.”
“It meant a lot to me that you told him that.”
“I know.” She stood and smoothed her black skirt down her legs. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I interrupted your alone time. I guess it makes sense to want to brood a little on the day of your funeral. I wasn’t aware for mine, but I imagine I would have felt the same way.”
I laughed and stood up to see her off. “I think I’m done with it. You were right; I don’t really deserve to mourn a choice I made.”
She shook her head. “You do, you’re giving up something important. It was just hard, seeing Charlie like that. It made me think of my family and what I’d lost.”
“It killed me to see what I did to him, Rose. I’ll never forget it. But you know, I could have stayed away and been blissfully ignorant of his reaction. I couldn’t do that though, I had to see him for one last time and I’ll always know what I did to him.”
“I guess I never thought of it like that.”
“No reason you should have.”
“Actually, there is. I went back and saw my family once, you know, a couple years after my death.”
“How was that?”
Sadness shone in her eyes before she blinked it away. “Difficult. They’d moved on, it was like I’d never even been there.”
“And I want mine to move on as if I’d never been there.”
She barked out a laugh. “We’re very different.”
“Maybe not as different as you think.”
She contemplated me for a moment. “So you’re done going down memory lane?”
“Yes, I think it’s time to look forward.”
“I’m going to work on your car, I’m upgrading the engine.”
“Great.” I had no idea why she needed to do that to a new car but whatever made her happy.
“Do you want to come and see what I’m doing?”
My jaw dropped open and I stared at her. “Well maybe if you understand the machine you’ll actually drive her right and treat her like she deserves.” I giggled. Trust Rose to couch an olive branch in an insult.
“Sure, I’ll come.”
She sauntered out the front door. “I don’t have all day.”
“Yes you do.”
I heard her snort a laugh and headed out the door to go spend some time with Rose. I wouldn’t call us friends at this point but it seemed like we were at least becoming family. It was more than I ever thought we’d be.
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