Archive for September 16th, 2008

If Days Were Grey’s

While having a good-natured argument with Famed Days fan Terry, who seems to think Days should rip off One Tree Hill for the younger crowd, I threw out the idea that Days rip off Grey’s Anatomy instead. I actually lay in bed for awhile thinking about it and thought I’d share how it would play out in my mind.

The characters: Chelsea in the role of Meredith Grey, Morgan as Christina, Stephanie as Izzie, Nick as McDreamy, Max as Alex, Dr. Dan as the Chief, and a special appearance by Kayla as Dr. Bailey.

We open with Morgan staring intently at the surgery board, looking to cop the best assignment for the day. Chelsea runs up and starts lamenting on her terrible, tortured life.

Chelsea: “I just don’t know what to do, Morgan. I love Nick, he is perfect for me in every way.”

Morgan: “Why is Stephanie scheduled to work with Dr. Hahn? Everybody knows that I am the heart specialist around here. Stephanie’s no heart surgeon, she’s barely a doctor!”

Chelsea: “Morgan, you’re not listening, I don’t know what to do about Nick!”

Morgan: “Why is this important? You should be focusing on your career!”

Chelsea: “Easy for you to say, you’re dating Philip from the hospital board!”

Morgan: “Well he’s great and all, but he’s not exactly open heart surgery.”

Chelsea: “Would you focus for just a minute, I really need to tell you something.

Morgan: Long put upon sigh. “All right, what is it?”

Chelsea: “You see, I had this moment with the Chief yesterday…”

Morgan: “You mean the guy who is twice your age and had sex with your grandmother?”

Chelsea: “That’s ancient history! It’s not the point!”

Morgan: “What is the point? Finding the most inappropriate man you can when you’ve already got a great one?”

Chelsea: “You’re supposed to be my friend and you’re not helping! Listen…we had a moment yesterday.”

Morgan: “What kind of moment? Making out in the medical supply room?”

Chelsea: “No, nothing like that, you know I’m still with Nick. We just…it was during surgery yesterday. We were removing this guy’s spleen and our hands brushed!”

Morgan: “Your hands brushed? In a guy’s body? And this is romantic?”

Chelsea: “It was! He looked at me, I looked at him and we totally had a moment!”

Morgan: “Oh my god. You can’t be serious. Bonding over blood?”

Chelsea: “What, it sounds like something you would do.”

Morgan: “True, but not with a guy who got it on with my granny!”

Chelsea: “Ugh, can you just let that go? Anyway, as we were removing the spleen the patient started to bleed out, blood squirted all over us and it just felt like we were bonded in that moment. He even had to wipe his gloves on me to finish sewing up the bleed. It was really romantic.”

Morgan: “There are no words for this…I have to go find a surgery. You’re insane.”

Elsewhere in the hospital:

Max swaggers up to some nurse and starts to put the moves on.

Nurse: “Don’t you remember me?”

Max: “Should I?”

Nurse: “We hooked up two weeks ago.”

Max: “Oops, my bad.”

Nurse runs away crying and Stephanie comes up.

Stephanie: “Have you seen Chelsea and Morgan?”

Max: “Yeah, they’re having some deep conversation over by the surgery board. Real serious! Why can’t anybody just have fun around here?”

Stephanie: “You’re having enough fun for all of us.”

Max: “That’s only because you won’t take me back, baby, you know it’s you that I want all the time. You’re the most beautiful woman in this place.”

Stephanie starts wailing. “All everyone sees when they look at me is how beautiful I am! I have a terrible life! It’s really hard getting taken seriously when you’re as beautiful as I am!”

Max: “Oh yeah, that’s a real issue. I can’t remember who in the building I haven’t slept with and you’re worried about being too pretty!”

Stephanie: “You’re such a player!”

Max: “Only because I can’t have you. Want to go make out?”

Stephanie: “Sure!”

Elsewhere in the hospital…

Nick: “Have you seen Chelsea, Kayla, I really need to talk to her.”

Kayla: “Of course I’ve seen her, she’s my intern isn’t she? She’s at the surgery board with Morgan whining about something or other.”

Nick: “I better go check on her, it’s been an hour since I’ve coddled her and reassured her of my love.”

Kayla shakes head. Dr. Dan enters the room.

Kayla: “Chief, we really need to talk about intern assignments.”

Dan: “What about them?”

Kayla: “It seems that Chelsea keeps getting assigned to all your surgeries.”

Dan: “So? Nothing inappropriate is going on!”

Kayla: “Uh, I didn’t say there was sir, I’m just saying that the interns need to be more spread around.”

Dan: “Look, I’ve been banging her grandmother!”

Kayla: “Thanks for sharing, what does that have to do with anything?”

Dan: “I can’t stay away from her!”

Kayla: “The grandmother?”

Dan: “NO, the granddaughter!”

Kayla: “So let me get this straight, you’re having sex with Chelsea’s grandma but you want Chelsea, even though you’re old enough to be her father?”

Dan: “YES!”

Kayla walks away shaking her head. She walks up and hears the tail end of Chelsea’s blood lust description to Morgan.

Kayla: “So, you fell for Dan because your hands brushed while touching a spleen and he then wiped blood on you?”

Chelsea sighs. “Yes, isn’t it romantic?”

Kayla: “Are you stupid? Aren’t you dating Nick the neurosurgeon?”

Chelsea: “Yes, but it’s complicated, he’s too nice for me!”

Kayla: “You’re right, he is.”

Nick strolls up and Kayla turns to him. “Your girlfriend fell in love with the Chief.”

Nick: “What? How could this happen?”

Kayla: “Apparently while holding a bloody spleen.”

Nick: “That wouldn’t make sense normally, but since we’re talking about Chelsea….”

Chelsea: “Hey, I’m right here! Nick, I’m so sorry. You’re really the most wonderful guy but…”

Nick: “But you can’t do wonderful, I get it. You need to have the most messed up relationship you can find. I’m done, Chelsea, just done.”

Chelsea: “No, you can’t be done with me! You have to stand by while I hook up with Daniel! Then when it crashes and burns I can run back to you.”

Nick: “Not anymore Chelsea, I wash my hands of you. Kayla, how about we get the hell out of this whorehouse masquerading as a hospital and go find some real coworkers?”

Kayla: “I’m way ahead of you.”

They link arms and head out the door while Chelsea wails. Morgan looks up and says: “Any idea when the next surgery starts? Where is Hahn????”

The End.

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